Old vs New
by Fernin
Summary: "Congratulations, Spike!  You're the new Rainbow Dash!"  Twilight may have said those words in the heat of the moment, but what if it were true?  How will the original Rainbow Dash deal with her semi-official replacement?
1. Chapter 1: Congratulations, Spike!

**Old Vs New**

_Chapter One: 'Congratulations, Spike!'_

_by Fernin_

_As per usual… this is fan fiction. I don't own the characters or the setting or whatnot…_

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><p>Twilight was upset. Spike could tell. Well, <em>anypony<em> could tell. But the little dragon could tell she was making a big mistake. "What about Rainbow Dash?"

Brought up short by the question, Twilight paused for a moment and closed her eyes to think. With a snap her eyes opened again and the irritated purple unicorn grinned humorlessly. "Congratulations, Spike. You're the new Rainbow Dash. Now _let's go!_"

Golden metal and a shiny (and vaguely delicious-looking) red gem clinked as they fastened around Spike's neck. He stared down at his new fashion accessory in trepidation. After a moment's thought the little purple and green dragon chased after his friend, trying to get her to see reason- or at least to have mercy. "Me? But what if she finds out I've been impersonating her?"

Visions of heavy-hoofed kicks impacting Spike's tail at supersonic speeds flashed across his mind's eye. He shuddered. "Ooooh… _That_ won't end well."

"Too bad. You're Rainbow Dash. Now let's go defeat Discord so we don't _ever_ have to talk to each other again!" With Twilight's parting snarl, she galloped out of the library. The twisted versions of Spike's former friends cheered, following her outside- and right over Spike's back. He groaned and tried to push himself back into an upright position as more angry shouts and a loud crash echoed through the library.

This wasn't like Twilight at all… Had Discord gotten to her too? Surely she had a plan. Twilight always had a plan. Or a checklist. Checklists counted as plans, right? Still trying to pop his vertebrae back into alignment, Spike staggered outside- and immediately ducked behind the big, vaguely gem-shaped boulder that Rarity had been dragging around for Celestia-knew-what reasons.

Oh, no. Twilight and Spike's other friends were staring up into the terrifyingly eclectic visage of the Lord of Chaos himself. Discord smiled down, clearly enjoying some private joke. The girls weren't ready. Spike definitely knew _he_ wasn't ready. Could things get any worse?

Worst-case scenario or not, Twilight obviously wasn't going to wait around. She snarled up at the draconequus. "Discord! I figured out your lame riddle. _You're in for it now!_ "

"I certainly am. You've _clearly_ out-dueled me. And now it's time to meet my fate!" Waving one twisted claw, Discord summoned humorously large sunglasses and adjusted them to a rakish angle on his muzzle.

The embodiment of chaos wasn't taking this seriously at all. Spike wasn't sure if that was a good sign or not- how could you tell when you were fighting Chaos?- but the sinking feeling in his chest suggested it wasn't. Come on, Spike. Think. Think! The future of Equestria depends on it!

Seemingly oblivious to the young dragon's agonies of concentration Discord gestured crazily and continued his melodramatic monologue. "I'm prepared to be defeated now, ladies… Fi- Oh, you'll pardon me if I go off-script for a minute, I'm sure. What, my little ponies, is _that?_ "

With a pop, Tom the Boulder abruptly turned into Tom the Sparrow. The newly created bird chirped in confusion and burrowed into the ground. Rarity wailed in horror. "No! Tom, come back!"

Spike, for his part, looked nervously up into the crazy eyes of the suddenly far-too-close Discord. "I- I- I-"

"Yeeeeessss?" Discord leaned forward in interest, looking over his sunglasses at the young dragon and holding a notepad and paper at the ready.

Spike grinned awkwardly. No going back now. "I'm the new Element of Loyalty..?"

Crickets don't usually make noise in the middle of the day with the sun burning down overhead. Fortunately, the insects were just as confused by the hyper fast day-night cycles as everypony else. Their quiet chirping noises were the only sounds to be heard for a long, uncomfortable moment.

One long, taloned finger on Discord's eagle claw inched forward. The Lord of Chaos poked Spike's head experimentally as though prodding some interesting new laboratory specimen. "Reeaaallly..? _You're_ the new Rainbow Dash?"

Feeling ill, Spike fumbled for words. He wanted to run and hide, but he had to do this- for Equestria. For his friends. Most of all, for Twilight. He stood his ground. "I- I am!"

"You expect me to believe that _you_, you little runt, are a good replacement for Rainbow Dash? Are you as fast as she is?" Discord's pencil hovered over his clipboard, which now held a checklist headed by fancy gothic font reading 'RESEMBLANCE TO RAINBOW DASH.' The pencil turned into a long purple goose quill pen.

Spike looked down at his dumpy, immature body. A habit of eating too many rubies late at night hadn't helped him get rid of his baby fat. His legs and arms were short. Even when he got his wings-assuming that Spike was the sort of dragon even to get wings-he would likely never be able to do a fraction of what Rainbow Dash could do. "Well, no… But-"

"And confidence! Are you as confident as the brash young Dash?" Now Discord carefully measured the little dragon's skull with a set of phrenological calipers. The five remaining element bearers were frozen in place- although whether in puzzlement at Discord's unpredictable actions or through his powerful magic, Spike couldn't tell.

"I'm… I'm not," Spike admitted. He had his moments, but most of those moments were in daydreams- not in real life.

"Hmm, it's not looking good for you, boyo. All right, diminutive draconic dude, one last question. Are you - oh, who am I kidding. Who are _you_ kidding? You're no Rainbow Dash, Spike. You can't possibly be her. She's so… so… and you're_…_" Discord's eyes were twirling hypnotically, but Spike couldn't see it through a blurry mist of tears.

Spike's spirits were as low as they had ever been- but as they dropped, they circled towards Planet Spike's molten, fiery core… and found new energy. Sniffling and blinking back tears, the young dragon looked up and glared into Discord's grinning countenance. "Y-you're right, Discord. I'm not Rainbow Dash. But- it's not the Element of Rainbow Dash, it's the Element of Loyalty!"

"Oh? You think you're as loyal as a mare who- oh that's right, she _abandoned her friends_. I guess you might be a bit more loyal than that, Spike… But are you sure?" Discord continued to smirk, but there were cracks of bemusement about his smile's brittle edges.

"Yes! More so!" Spike halted for a moment, shocked at the force of his own words. But he'd unleashed something inside himself, and if he didn't continue he felt he might explode.

Drawing in a breath and blinking back more tears, the angry dragon continued. "Twilight is like a sister to me! Ponyville is a second home! And I will never, **never** leave them! Not for Rarity, not for all the jewels in Equestria, and not even for **your** crazy schemes, Discord!"

Crossing jaundiced eyes, Discord focused on the stubby purple claw that was pointed forcefully at his muzzle. The smug leer died for the briefest of moments- and resurrected phoenix-like as a grin of genuine appreciation. Leaning back in the air, Discord clapped his clawed hands together. "Well said, my young friend. Well said! Perhaps you could be a passable Element of Loyalty after all…"

Where was Discord going with this? Spike's spirits were still rising on the hot updraft of rage he felt at the draconequus' cruel pranks, but with his recent explosion some of that anger was draining away again. In its place, the old doubts were dripping back in, sending cold chills down his spine as Spike watched the awful creature stroke its chin in thought.

"You know, I think it might be fun to help you, 'Spikebow Dash.' But how… Hmm…. Aha! " Without warning, Discord was right beside Spike again, measuring every conceivable inch of the young dragon's body with a yellow measuring tape.

The creature of chaos chattered as he worked. "Clothes make the mare, of course… But hmm, ponies don't wear clothes much nowadays and I would hardly claim to have the fashion finesse of yon filly, Rarity… But I think I can fix you up a treat, Dragon-Who-Would-Be-Dash."

"Uh-" Spike stammered, but he could tell it was already too late.

Discord waved his arms, and power crackled from the tips of his claws. "Shall we? Of course we shall."

Without waiting for Spike's consent or even his reaction, Discord clapped his hands together. Spike cried out in horror, trying to shield his eyes as the unnatural energy arced through the air and grounded itself into his scaly hide.

The first thing Spike was aware of was the sudden, dizzying feeling of ascent, like he'd hitched a ride on the back of a pegasus- and she was running late for something important. Spike flailed his arms, trying desperately to stay upright as unseen hands tugged him in every direction. Was Discord simply going to pull him apart? Then why-

An especially forceful tug sent searing pain through Spike's shoulder blades. His back spasmed as something bubbled and erupted from his scales- no, not truly scales any more. In most places the changing dragon's purple scales seemed softer and... fuzzier somehow. Fur? Hair? On a dragon? That couldn't be right.

In what felt like an eternity yet also only a heartbeat, the changes were complete. Spike coughed and wheezed, sucking air into burning lungs. He brushed away a few annoying wisps of green mane and… wait. Mane? He looked down and screamed.

Purple-feathered wings flapped nervously on Spike's back as he surveyed his new form. A very pony-like head rested atop a body that seemed half-draconic, half-equine. His tail was still very similar, but longer and sleeker. The ex-dragon's stumpy feet had been replaced by shapely long legs and solid hooves, complete with green flame cutie marks, and… His hands went to his neck.

Oh thank Celestia, Spike still had hands. Er, and the Element of Loyalty. That was important too. The draco-pegasus looked up in confusion at Discord's leering face. "What… what have you done to me?"

"Don't thank me all at once, 'Spikebow Dash…' I was just helping you… you know, get in the role. A gift, from me to you, Bearer of Loyalty-snerk, hahahahaa sorry, I can't keep a straight face! Ha ha ha, you should see your expression! " Discord teleported around the horrified new draco-pegasus, each time appearing in a different pose of uncontrollable mirth. Finally, he returned to his original position.

Looking down at himself, Discord waved one clawed hand. Once again, he was wearing his ridiculous sunglasses. Now, too, the Lord of Chaos sported a classy red and white bulls-eye. "Now, where were we… ah, yes. I'm prepared to be defeated now, ladies. Fire when ready."

There was an uncomfortable pause, helpfully filled by more crickets. Discord coughed and waved at Twilight. "I believe, dear, that you were about to say, 'Formation?' Please, try to keep up."

"Er- Oh. Right. Right! Formation. **Now!** " Twilight shook her head as though trying to clear it. How had Discord known..? Something was clearly wrong here- more wrong than usual for the chaos wrecking Equestria, even- but that didn't matter right now. Her fellow ponies grumbled and got in position. One was still missing.

Twilight looked to her left in irritation. "'Rainbow Dash,' get over he- whoa… um. Rainbow Dash? Spike?"

Startled out of his self-contemplative staring session, Spike looked up. "Oh! Sorry Twilight!"

It _sounded_ a bit like Spike, but… what the hay had happened to him? And why hadn't Twilight noticed? The purple unicorn found herself staring at the half-dragon, half-pegasus creature. "Uh…"

Discord cleared his throat. "Some time today? Some of us- oops, make that some time tonight now. Okay, day again… As I was saying, some of us have places to be, things to dominate?"

"All right. Let's get this over with!" Trying to shake off the nagging sensation that something had gone even more awry than Discord's presence might account for, Twilight concentrated ad gathered her magic. She rose into the air. Her fellow ponies and… whatever Spike was at the moment… followed suit. The atmosphere itself began to glow as the energy built up.

Just as quickly as the buildup of power had begun, it started to wane. Twilight looked desperately at the other elements of harmony and their bearers. What was wrong? Was it- was it because they weren't worthy of the elements any more? Had they fallen so far? She… she was going to lose. She couldn't do it. _All of Equestria_ was going to lose! No…

"Focus, Twilight! You can do it! You can _all_ do it! Come on, Pinkie Pie! Fluttershy! Applejack! Rarity! We can do this! We've got to! Don't let your friends down now!" Spike's voice cut through the faltering hum of the elements and the ponies looked at their transformed friend.

Spike tried to restrain himself, but his wings were flapping with every nervous, enthusiastic sentence fragment. "Can't let it end here! We've got to do it for each other! Remember- remember all the good times! Uh… The important thing about friendship is..."

"What's this..?" Discord peered over his sunglasses and gaped. The little draco-pegasus was doing it, somehow. Muted colors wavered, giving way before the bright and true colors of the element bearers as Spike gesticulated wildly, shouting out his fortune cookie wisdom on friendship. He hadn't taken dictation on all of Twilight's letters for nothing- the little twerp had actually learned a thing or two! And the hum of the elements was once again rising.

"No!" The gobsmacked draconequus had just enough time to fling his body into a humorously rude pose as the elemental rainbow slammed into him, dooming him to another interminable wait. Discord leered. Let's see the little school fillies get a load of THIS position. If only he'd had time to duplicate himself- And then there was darkness.

The brilliant spectrum of friendship coursed across the land, erasing all traces of Discord's maelstrom of madness. Flowers bloomed. Grass swayed in the breeze. And five ponies and one… pony…like…thing floated gently back to the ground. Somewhat less gently, Discord's frozen form crashed to the ground.

Spike sighed and opened his eyes. They'd done it. Somehow, through the magic of friendship, they'd done it. The spreading chromatic wave of the elements of harmony was gone, leaving the nice, familiar shapes of Ponyville and all of Equestria in its wake. Everything was normal again. Thank Celestia.

"Wow… that was great, Twilight but…" Spike looked down at himself as he spoke, ready to reacquaint himself with his nice, normal body. His little dumpy form had never looked so good as- wait. The draco-pegasus stared down at himself. He was still… whatever Discord had made him.

Five sets of eyes stared at their still-transformed friend. Spike did a nervous dance, looking this way and that at his new body as though simply observing it from the right angle would make it turn back to normal. The purple horse-dragon clapped his hands to his head and wailed, claws digging into his green mane. "Why didn't I change back? I can't be stuck like this!"

"Oh, I don't know, Spikebow Dash! I think you're kinda cute!" giggled Pinkie Pie.

"Er… I think your mane could do with the attentions of a _coiffeur_, my dear Spike, but… I hear that purple is very 'in' this year…" Rarity grinned awkwardly, trying to think of a nice way to bolster Spike's flagging spirits. The other mares chorused their anxious agreement.

Twilight sighed. Strangely, she felt like this was all going to be blamed on her somehow. "Don't worry, Spike, I'm sure we'll find a way to get you-"

A fiery green belch from the draco-pegasus interrupted Twilight. A scroll materialized and dropped to the ground. Spike wiped his muzzle with one hand and gave his friends an embarrassed smile. "Whoops, heh heh… guess that still works. Seems like the princess sent you a- Urk"

With another gout of flame, a second scroll appeared. Then a third. ...And a fourth. A fifth, too- and the scrolls kept coming. "Why?" Spike moaned as he started curling up into the fetal position on the soft green grass. "Why - urp- me?"

Far away on a single, small cloud, Rainbow Dash sat up and blinked. What had happened? Had she been napping? It wasn't time for her 12:15 catnap yet. Or her 12:45 power nap, for that matter. Where was everyone? …And why did she feel like she'd just missed something really, really important?


	2. Chapter 2: Sonic Rainbomb

**Old Vs New**

_Chapter Two: Sonic Rain-bomb_

_by Fernin_

_As per usual… this is fan fiction. I don't own the characters or the setting or whatnot._

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><p>"…And what I don't get is… why me?" Spike stared up at the motionless face of Discord, but no answers were forthcoming. The silence stretched out as the chaos-transformed former dragon searched for any sign of a response. Nothing moved save for a slight breeze that ruffled feathers on the draco-pegasus' lavender wings. Finally he sighed and turned away.<p>

Of course the petrified draconequus wasn't going to respond; that kind of thing only happened in Twilight's books. If Spike wanted answers- admittedly a dicey proposition where the Lord of Chaos had been involved- he was going to have to find them inside himself. How trite. Well, it made about as much sense as anything else that had happened to the new draco-pegasus recently.

Spike looked down at the bizarre new body Discord had given him. The scales down his belly were familiar… unlike practically everything else about his new form. Taken as a whole Spike looked like he was the result of a dragon's rather drunken fling with a pegasus, or vice versa. It almost made 'the new Rainbow Dash' wonder what the offspring would look like if he got back to normal and Rarity ever-

"Oh! There you are Spike!" Twilight's sudden appearance chucked a spanner into Spike's mental gears, causing _that_ particular awkward chain of thought to grind to a halt. The purple unicorn trotted up to her draco-pegasus friend, slightly out of breath. She looked... a bit frazzled, to say the least.

Spike shifted awkwardly from hoof to hoof- ugh, it was so weird not having clawed dragon feet- and tried to smile in greeting. "Uh… Hey Twi."

"There's no time to waste! We need to be back at the throne room for the ceremony, right away!" Twilight jerked her head toward to the imposing bulk of the castle behind her. Sighing, Spike followed.

"What were you doing out there anyway?" Twilight asked as Spike jogged next to her back to the castle.

"N-nothing… what about you? I thought we were just here to speak to the Princess about, uh, me. What's the rush?" Spike started to feel a bit nervous. Spike's friends weren't going to… do something to him, were they?

Maybe Princess Celestia wanted to banish Spike to the moon for being the last remnant of Discord's power in Equestria? Or maybe the girls were going to blast Spike with the Elements of Harmony..? How would that even work? Would the draco-pegasus need to help fire the Friendship Beam or whatever it was and then run over and get hit by it? That didn't seem like a good plan…

"We've got to get to the ceremony, Spike! You know, the _ceremony__?_ I know I mentioned it. It's even on my checklist! Twice!"

"Er… sorry. I guess I was still busy being ill from belching up over _sixty scrolls_, Twilight," Spike replied, putting a little extra emphasis on the ridiculous number of letters. Would it have killed Princess Celestia just to send the highlights instead of every single friendship report? He still couldn't get the taste of burned paper out of his mouth…

In a distant tower, a bell tolled to mark the time. Twilight looked up at the sun and groaned, her slightly disheveled mane moving a few points closer to 'disorganized mess.'

"Oooh, we're going to be late!" At the use of the 'L-word,' Twilight managed the unlikely feat of shuddering noticeably while at nearly a full gallop.

Uh oh. Spike could still remember a few of the unicorn's little 'episodes' from their time together at Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns. The draco-pegasus lengthened his stride despite the awkwardness of running upright with wings on his back. At least Twilight hadn't used the 'T-word' yet. "It's not that bad, Twi! We're not going to be tard- ahem. I mean, don't worry, we'll get there. Look, almost there now… See?"

Thankfully, it was true. Two royal guards hesitated at the sight of Spike's unusual shape, but they dropped their wings when they caught sight of the Sun Princess' faithful student at the weird creature's side. With Spike's muttered thanks and Twilight's sigh of relief, the two were inside the large, marble-tiled receiving area that opened into the main throne room. The two friends' hooves clicked on the cool white floor as they approached the small clump of ponies near the massive, imposing doors.

Spike could hear the clamor of hundreds of ponies talking on the far side of the double doors, but on this side everything was quiet save for Twilight's and his hoofbeats. The sheer scale of the room seemed to force its occupants to whisper. Well… most of its occupants.

"Heeeeyyyy! They're finally here! We thought you were going to be Latey McTardypants!" Pinkie Pie grinned, rearing up on her hind legs to wave spastically at the approaching duo.

"Tardy…" Twilight twitched again, only to feel Spike's clawed hand on her mane, smoothing the disheveled hair back down. She looked up to see that her transformed friend flash her a quick, nervous smile, then go back to scanning the upper corners of the room. Was Spike looking for somepony? Weird. Well, no time to worry about that now. The purple unicorn approached one of the waiting guards at the massive doors and was soon in hushed conference about movement orders and timelines.

Spike breathed a sigh of relief. As far as his quick search could discover, the large waiting room was entirely free of irate cyan pegasus mares. So far, anyway. It was… probably for the best. A shudder ran down Spike's spine from his mane-covered neck to the spade tip of his tail as he imagined his inevitable meeting with Rainbow Dash…

_It was a nice, peaceful day. Celestia's sun shone down brightly, warming the ground and even penetrating through Spike's new purple fur to the underlying skin. It felt… pretty good, all things considered. Spike smiled to himself, glad that he'd taken Twilight up on her offer to give the draco-pegasus the rest of the day off. He waved happily to a few fillies playing with a large, colorful ball. They stared wide-eyed at him and quickly darted off, leaving their ball bouncing sad and alone._

_With a heavy heart, Spike watched them go. So far it had been a bit of a rocky start for everypony involved. Hopefully soon the citizens of Ponyville would finally start getting used to their chaos-twisted fellow resident. That, or Twilight would finally manage to find the right counter-spell._

_Spike smiled again at that happy possibility and stretched his wings, relishing the feeling of the afternoon breeze through his feathers. Maybe he'd drop by Sugarcube Corner to see what-_

_A rumble of unexpected thunder split the heavens. Shrieking out of the sky like a falling demon, something moving faster than thought slammed into the ground not more than a stone's throw from where Spike was standing. The shockwaves of the sudden impact knocked Spike off his hooves. He landed heavily on his back, wincing as the fall and awkward landing wrenched his wings unpleasantly. What had happened? The draco-pegasus pushed himself up, massaging one feathered limb, and moved forward to see what had made the crater. When he caught sight of what it was, he stopped. Oh, Celestia, no. Spike's heart leaped into his throat and stuck there._

_At the center of the blackened crater crouched a cyan pony with a colorful shock of rainbow hair and an equally variegated tail. Spike stammered for a moment before finding his voice. "R-r-r-r-rainbow Dash! Are you all right?"_

_Rainbow Dash had landed on all fours, somehow still in one piece despite her meteoric fall. The air above her seemed to waver with heat as her head rose with deliberate slowness. Two red, maddened eyes stared up at the draco-pegasus from the bottom of the shallow crater. The atmosphere sizzled as Rainbow Dash's emotionless face twisted into a snarl of hatred. "__**You.**__ "_

_Spike took a step back, stumbling a little awkwardly on his still-unfamiliar hooves. "M-me..?"_

_Rainbow Dash climbed slowly out of the smoking crater on shaky legs, gaining strength as she advanced. As the pegasus stepped forward, Spike found himself stepping back- but the irate pony was gaining on him. He waved nervous arms placatingly. "R-rainbow Dash, you aren't… you aren't mad at me are you?"_

_"Mad? Why would I be mad? You stole my element…" hissed Dash._

_Spike looked down. Somehow he was once again wearing the Element of Loyalty. The baleful red of its lightning bolt matched the angry glow of Rainbow Dash's eyes. "I- I can explain…"_

_Rainbow Dash blurred. There was a sudden gust of wind, forcing Spike to blink. He winced- it felt like somepony had tried to take his head off at the neck. When Spike's eyes snapped back open, the cyan pegasus had the Element of Loyalty in her mouth. She spit it out contemptuously, the metal jewelry clinking as it landed on the soft grass. Dash kept coming, her hissing voice still threatening and low. "You stole my house…"_

_That had seemed like such a good idea at the time. Twilight had even suggested it, Spike was sure of it. Something about getting Spike out from under her hooves while she worked on a cure… Now Spike couldn't imagine why the unicorn had thought it was a good idea. He took another step back, trying to think of something disarming to say to the irate mare. "Uh… I… did your dishes for you while you were gone?"_

_"You _stole my friends_," Rainbow Dash hissed._

_"I…" Spike's mind drifted back to Pinkie Pie's 'Congratulations Spikebow Dash' party. Had Rainbow Dash seen that? But how? How could she think that- The draco-pegasus realized he probably should have said something more convincing. Rainbow Dash was sure to take that as a sign of agreement and…_

_The rainbow-maned mare continued her rant, heedless of anything Spike might say or do. "…And now I have nothing. Nothing but __**you**__, you faker. Why would I be mad?"_

_Rainbow Dash laughed bitterly. Spike joined her nervously. "Ahahaha… hahaha… Oh Rainbow Dash, you're such a kidder… haha-GAH!"_

_In an instant, Spike was on the ground again, his wings screaming at him as the combined body weight of pegasus and draco-pegasus bore down on the abused bones and tendons. Rainbow Dash's muzzle was mere inches from his own. "I'm going to give you a head start, _'Spikebow Dash.'_ You have _ten. Seconds. Flat._ I'm sure as the 'new Rainbow Dash' you'll know what to do with them."_

_With that, Rainbow Dash leaped into the sky and was gone. Spike wasted the first four of his seconds trying to catch his breath. Another few seconds were gone as he climbed back onto pain-weakened legs and started running. The final few seconds passed- and yet somehow Spike was still running. He looked desperately up at the sky as he made tracks towards a clump of trees. Maybe Rainbow wouldn't see him in there… what was that noise?_

_A mournful roar like the wail of a thousand lost souls was building, rising to fill up the world and blot out all other sounds. Spike kept running, looking over his shoulder, but it was just something to do in the little time he knew he had left. He could see Rainbow Dash screaming down out of the stratosphere, aiming towards her prey with unerring accuracy. The draco-pegasus managed a half dozen more frightened strides before his world vanished in a soundless explosion of prismatic fury. The technicolor mushroom cloud rose into the stratosphere, visible from as far away as Canterlot…_

"Hey, Spike! Consarnit, you crazy critter, wake up!" Applejack's country twang brought Spike back to reality with a shudder. A hoof was prodding Spike's flank, none too gently. Of course, it belonged to the tan-orange earth pony. Green eyes scrutinized Spike's face as the draco-pegasus wiped away a sudden coating of cold sweat.

"I… Oh hey, Applejack. Um… is it nearly time? Your hat looks good. Uh, nice job with the mane." Spike stammered, saying the first thing that sprung into his head. Still, that didn't mean that what the draco-pegasus was saying wasn't true. Probably thanks to Rarity's prodding, the apple farmer had given mane and hat both a thorough cleaning.

Slowing his breathing, Spike tried to remind himself of the facts of life as they currently were. He wasn't a small cloud of radioactive dust spreading out over Equestria. He hadn't unwisely moved into Rainbow Dash's house. The Element of Loyalty was safe in its storage case back in Twilight's room, not here around his neck… Whew. The draco-pegasus resolved never to get _that_ into one of his daydreams again.

Applejack scrutinized her friend. "You okay, Sugarcube? You look more jumpy 'n a flea on a cast iron skillet."

"I'll- I'm fine. Are my spines strai- er, does my mane look okay?" Talking with the unquestionably well-grounded pony was doing wonders for bringing Spike down to earth. He almost felt normal- for a given value of normal, of course. At least, he did until the big hall on the other side of the two big double doors fell silent.

"Right on time. Here we go, girls..!" Twilight whispered, grinning winningly to her friends. The big doors opened with a rising fanfare of trumpets. The crowd was huge; Spike could see them through the doors.

Spike cringed. So many ponies. 'Look,' he could imagine them saying, 'there's that _thing_ Discord made…' 'I hear it even turned on its creator!' 'Ew, what's wrong with its front hooves?' Maybe he should run now. But… No. That wouldn't be fair to Twilight and the others. He could do this. Taking a deep breath, Spike stepped forward and followed his friends.

The draco-pegasus easily towered over everypony in the room besides Princess Celestia. Spike steeled himself and continued to walk past pony after pony, feeling stares upon him as he trotted up the aisle on the rich red carpeting. He tried to keep his breathing smooth and steady.

The five ponies and one draco-pegasus approached the Princess- radiant as usual with her pastel mane waving in a nonexistent breeze. Princess Celestia smiled proudly down at her faithful student and five friends. Applejack grinned. Spike waved nervously at the staring crowd. Oh by Celestia there were so many eyes looking at him…

The Sun Princess cleared her throat and began to speak, effortlessly making herself heard despite the huge size of the hall. "We are gathered here today to once again honor the heroism of these six friends who stood up to the villain Discord… and saved Equestria from eternal chaos!"

Spike cringed, ready to be buried under cries of 'faker!' and 'weirdo' and 'freak!' He waited for a moment. That was odd. It didn't sound like shouts of derision at all. In fact it sounded more like they were… cheering? The draco-pegasus opened his eyes. They were! Row after row of happy pony faces looked up at the Spike and his friends. Maybe… maybe he could do this. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad.

Arcane energy glimmered from Princess Celestia's horn and a glowing field of magic surrounded a large, purple curtain at one side of the hall. The heavy, luxurious fabric slid aside to reveal a tall stained glass window. The expertly-cut and -leaded glass glimmered in the sunlight, depicting a horrified Discord being defeated by the power of the Elements of Harmony. There was a small depiction of Twilight, hooves pawing at the air as light lanced from her to transfix the frozen draconequus. The other girls were there too. There was Rarity, and Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash and - wait. Rainbow Dash?

Twilight Sparkle cringed inwardly as she saw the mistake the window-maker had made. He'd probably been told to show the Elements of Harmony defeating Discord. It was a perfectly understandable mistake that anypony could have made, but… The unicorn looked up and tried to catch Spike's attention, hoping she could distract the draco-pegasus before he saw… Ah. Too late. Her 'Number One Assistant' had already noticed.

Meeting Twilight's apologetic gaze, Spike grinned awkwardly and shrugged. Well… this seemed about par for the course so far. Just another day as Twilight Sparkle's loyal assistant, right?


	3. Chapter 3: Pancakes

**Old Vs New**

_Chapter Three: Pancakes_

_by Fernin_

_As per usual… this is fan fiction. I don't own the characters or the setting or whatnot._

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><p>A voice muttered softly to itself in the middle distance, rudely dragging the drowsing Spike out of oblivion. "...I mean, the unpredictable and often antagonistic interactions between various competing wavelengths in the chaos energies should cancel each other out! Why do they <em>ignore<em> each other in some cases and sometimes even _amplify…_? It's so... well, chaotic. Yes, of course, ha ha ha. _HahahahaHAHA—_Arrrrgh, keep it together, Twilight!"

The annoying babble continued, but Spike pushed it into the back of his mind as he clung to the fading shreds of sleep. The draco-pegasus' body- still strange to him even after several days' use- was telling him very emphatically that it was _not_ time to get up yet. For once Spike's mind and new form were incomplete agreement. He shook his head groggily, equine ears flicking to dislodge the voice as if it was a buzzing fly.

Spike groaned and kept his eyes closed as he tried to wave the speaker away with one hand. It didn't work. For some reason, his arm seemed as reluctant to move as he was to rise. That was just as well. The draco-pegasus was in a comfortable position- and that was a pleasant change of pace. Inexperience with his chaos-twisted form had made Spike's nights an exercise in frustration, leaving him tossing and turning for hours- and his current reluctance to wake up was but the least of the results. Spike yawned, a pony-like muzzle opening to expose sharp draconic teeth. "Mmmm, five more minutes, Mom..."

By now, Spike was awake enough to recognize the cause of his current woes: Twilight Sparkle was obsessing over something. The unicorn only really started muttering like this when she was really concentrating, so whatever she was talking about, it must be preying on her mind. Unaware or uncaring of Spike's half-awake plea, Twilight's voice continued its sporadically audible babbling. "...Still that hardly explains why the chaos energies are cancelled by the hex-phasic friendship pulse at all times save for the current subject... Why in _this_ case and this case only did the chaos and friendship energies somehow harmonize with... Harmonize. Hmm... No, but what about..?"

Well, simply moaning at Twilight obviously wasn't going to get the unicorn calmed down or out of Spike's hearing range, no matter the hour. But as long as they were both going to be awake at whatever-time-this-was, the draco-pegasus could at least help his friend. Then maybe they could both get some sleep. All he had to do was climb out of this wonderfully comfortable bed, and-

Metal clinked as Spike tried to move one arm more than a few inches. His eyes snapped open, and suddenly his world reeled. Instead of lying prone and splay-limbed on an amazingly soft bed, he was dangling face down in thin air, floating in a coruscating amethyst-hued field of magic. No longer was Spike in the hastily cleared storage room that had been his new bedroom since his transformation. In the dim glow of the magical field the draco-pegasus could see that he was in the cavernous basement lab, hanging almost within arm's reach of the gnarled and exposed roots of the tree-library above.

Spike's eyes widened and his head whipped around to take stock of his unexpected situation. Both arms, both legs, and even the ex-dragon's wings and tail were bound with chains and glittering magic to a great iron ring. The dull metal hoop was marked with glowing arcane symbols, the meaning of which the draco-pegasus could only guess. Fighting down rising panic, he managed to find his voice. "Uh... Um... Twilight? Twi? Help!"

Halfway across the room, Twilight continued muttering for a moment before Spike's cries intruded on her consciousness. "Perhaps if I apply Brazen's Fourth Law of Association to the problem, I might- Oh! Spike, you're awake. I hadn't expected you up so soon."

"Hadn't expected me up- _Twilight_, did you drag me out of bed and _tie me to this ring-thing?_" Spike whined.

"Of course! Lots to do, Spike! We have to get you back to normal!" Twilight's can-do attitude might have inspired confidence in Spike if she hadn't been able to see the mare's manic expression and disheveled mane. The lavender unicorn trotted toward Spike through a maze of books, stacks of paper, and partially disassembled arcane equipment. She moved unsteadily, like a clockwork pony that had slipped a gear.

"Uh… That's great Twi, but couldn't we work to get me back to normal with my feet- er, my hooves _on the ground?_ I mean I know you've been having some trouble with the counter-spell but… Ground? Please?" Spike jingled his restraints for emphasis and tried to keep from cringing as Twilight came closer. The important thing when Twilight was in one of these moods was to keep her calm; remind her of the important facts of life like "unicorns have to eat;" and "draco-pegasi are probably happier with all their internal organs on the inside even if you really, really need to take a peek at something and swear you'll put it right back;" and—and this was important—never, never, _never_ bring up the possibility of failure.

Twilight's laugh seemed slightly brittle around the edges, just like her eager smile—ready to shatter at any moment. Peering up at Spike's dangling form, she waved one hoof flippantly. One ear twitched as the unicorn spoke what she probably thought were soothing platitudes. "Oh, Spike, ha ha ha…. Don't worry about it. I'm Princess' Celestia's most faithful student! Figuring out how to work with chaos magic will be a cinch! Just you wait."

"S-sure. But could you let me down? My scales are chafing," Spike begged. He did his best draco-pegasus-as-puppy-dog impression.

"Haha, Spike, we both know you don't have scales on your limbs now..." Twilight started to dismiss her assistant's pleas out of hoof, but some vestige of sanity made her pause. She looked up, her face even more haggard than it had a moment before.

Spike sighed in relief as the manacles and chains popped open, freeing his limbs. He stumbled slightly as his hooves touched the stone floor, and he had to suppress the urge to hug the floor and hang on in case Twilight changed her mind. Instead, he focused on the exhausted face of his friend. "T-thanks… Uh, Twi? When did you last sleep?"

The purple unicorn considered the question for a minute, her sunken eyes crossing slightly as the corners of her mouth drew into a frown. "Thursday, maybe?"

"…But it's Saturday." Spike sighed, one hand rising to scratch his spines in exasperation—oh, right. He turned the gesture into a furtive sweep of clawed fingers through his scraggly mane. Of all the things he missed about being a dragon, _not having to deal with a mane_ was definitely high on the list.

Ear still twitching periodically, Twilight Sparkle simply stared at Spike. She seemed to be having trouble understanding where the conversation was going. 'Saturday?' What was a 'Saturday?'

It nearly broke Spike's heart to see the happy and well-organized unicorn brought so low. The poor creature jerked in surprise as one comforting hand rested on her back. Spike kept his voice low and soothing. "Twilight, come on. You'll think better with some food in you."

"D-don't be silly, Spike. I've been using Stargazer's Stimulating… Stimulating…" Twilight trailed off and nearly unhinged her jaw with a bleary-eyed yawn.

Spike tried to suppress a yawn of his own as he practically dragged the unicorn towards the stairs. "Come on, Twi. Let's get you some breakfast."

* * *

><p>Pancakes sizzled in the skillet, filling the air of the library's kitchen with the warm, sweet smell of delectable cooking. Smoke trails spiraled up from Spike's nostrils, leftovers from the short blast he'd used to light the range's burners a few minutes before. A contented smile stretched across the draco-pegasus' muzzle as he worked the spatula under one perfectly sized pancake and flipped it expertly onto the pile occupying Twilight Sparkle's plate. "There you go, Twilight! Eat up!"<p>

"…Aren't you going to have some, Spike? This is an awful lot for one pony to eat." Twilight peered out from around the nearly head-high stack of pancakes. The mouthwatering smell of pancakes and the down-to-earth normality of Spike bustling around in the kitchen were already doing the frazzled unicorn a world of good. Her ear twitch was barely noticeable, and she'd even tried to straighten the lavender birds' nest that had formerly been her mane.

With a laugh that turned into a stifled yawn, Spike waved one hand towards a half full mixing bowl. "Oh no, Twilight; those are all yours. I was just about to make myself up batch of my famous double-sapphire-and-ruby…"

The draco-pegasus trailed off as he remembered an important fact: yes, gemstones were still just as scrumptious as they had always been when he was eating them. _Digesting_ them, however, was another story entirely… And not one with a happy conclusion. Spike rubbed his belly and grimaced at the unpleasant memory. "Er… I guess I forgot."

Now it was Twilight's turn to laugh. A purple glow surrounded roughly half of the Leaning Tower of Pancake and placed the steaming stack onto Spike's plate. "Here you go. You look almost as out of it as I feel…"

Spike grinned and shut off the range, leaving the pans to soak in the sink for a few minutes as the librarian and her assistant tucked in to their belated breakfast. By Spike's estimate, the sun had probably been up for a few hours. A little late in the day for breakfast, yes, but not too bad for an early brunch. He glanced over to Twilight to find the unicorn muttering to herself again, drawing little esoteric designs next to her plate with her fork and some syrup. Not _again_...

If Spike couldn't keep Twilight's mind off the subject, perhaps getting her to talk normally about it was almost as good. "…So, Twilight, how's the research going?"

"Great, Spike! The research has been going amazingly… well. Yup. Hee hee… No problems at all." Twilight grinned nervously and poked her fork at her diminishing stack of pancakes. And here she always wondered how Spike kept taking her for every bit she was worth during the weekly Sunday Night Poker games.

"Come on, Twi. This is me. Your Number One Test Subject, remember?" Spike grinned awkwardly at his own joke and breathed a mental sigh of relief when Twilight started to smile as well.

"All right, all right. It… could be going better. You see…" Twilight started to explain the whys and wherefores of Spike's condition. Spike smiled and listened nicely for as long as he could, but started fading fast when it became clear that the bemused unicorn was talking in circles. When sentences started to be populated by five- and six-syllable words, it was time for Spike's brain to take a short holiday.

The basics seemed simple enough, however, and Spike hadn't spent years helping Twilight with her studies without picking up at least _something_. As soon as the unicorn reached the end of one circular thought and the beginning of the next, Spike interjected a quick, "…So you're saying you don't have enough information, Twilight? But you've been studying me for days!"

"It's not just you, Spike… It's the elements! I need to study how the Element of Loyalty works when there's no chaos energy around for it to interact with. I need… I need…" Twilight jabbed her fork at the empty plate with each sentence, the little porcelain clink adding emphasis to her despair.

"Yes, Twilight?" Spike could feel dread coiling around his belly like a snake, but he let Twilight continue as the light of realization began to dawn in the unicorn's eyes.

Twilight practically leaped out of her chair. She gestured wildly with her eating utensil until it slipped from her magic's grasp and thudded into the ceiling. Her eyes practically glowed, lit from within now that she had a way forward. "I need _Rainbow Dash!_ Of course! It's so simple! Why didn't I think of it before?"

If Spike didn't interfere now, it was obvious that Twilight Sparkle was going to go rushing off for another multi-day research marathon. "You didn't think of it because you've been running yourself ragged, Twilight! You need to take a break!"

"I've _taken_ a break, Spike! Look how much good it did me! Now I'm ready to go find… I'm… Whoah." With the initial sugar rush of the pancake syrup and the surge of adrenaline from the epiphany already draining away, Twilight found herself swaying on her hooves. She tried to speak again, but only yawned.

Fighting back a yawn of his own, Spike stood up and leaned over until his sharp-toothed muzzle was level with Twilight's nose. "Twi. You need to rest. I… I promise I'll go find Rainbow Dash for us. Then when you get up you can take a look at her and you'll have this solved in ten seconds flat."

"I don't know, Spike…" For the second time that morning, Twilight Sparkle found herself getting led around her home by the little dragon she'd always looked on as a younger brother. Well… _former_ dragon, anyway. It would almost have been endearing, if the lavender mare's brain hadn't been dulled by days of endless activity.

For Twilight's sake Spike fought down the urge to panic until he'd managed to put the mare to bed. Limbs feeling weak and rubbery at the thought of what was to come, he climbed back down to the kitchen. He was going to have to do it. He was going to have to find Rainbow Dash, probable supersonic-hooves-to-the-head or no. The draco-pegasus struggled against another yawn as his fatigue wrestled his nervous apprehension for dominance. he needed rest almost as badly as Twilight Sparkle did… but there were more important things to do first. The ex-dragon couldn't let Twi down.

As Spike washed pots and pans, cleaning up the detritus of the hastily cooked breakfast, he planned. All right. The primary goal was finding Rainbow Dash for Twilight. The next most important goal was not getting clobbered by the irate cyan pegasus… Spike felt a shudder run down his spine all the way to the spade of his tail at the flickering memory of that recurring dream—the angry Rainbow Dash, the chase… the technicolor explosion of the sonic rain-bomb…

No! Spike couldn't think of that now. He had to concentrate on helping Twilight. Twilight, Twilight, Twilight. But where to start? Perhaps the draco-pegasus' other friends would have some idea of how to begin… but who to ask first?

Spike put the last of the pans into the drying rack. That just left the plates. Keeping his clawed hands busy helped keep the draco-pegasus calm as he mulled her options. Hmm…

Fluttershy seemed like a good bet. After all she was a pegasus pony too, right? Better yet, the yellow mare was probably one of Rainbow Dash's oldest friends. If anyone would know where the ex-bearer of the Element of Loyalty might be, it would be her. Spike nodded to himself. All right, now he had at least the beginnings of a plan. Now he just had to finish with the dishes —

Spike's eyes drifted to the unfinished batter from the gem-studded pancakes he had been planning on making for himself. The sapphires and rubies sat in a little jar next to the batter, glittering alluringly. Spike licked his purple lips with a long, forked tongue. He really shouldn't… but maybe just one wouldn't hurt? Hmm…

* * *

><p>Rainbow Dash adjusted the angle of her wings, trying to enjoy the sensation of air ruffling through her mane and hissing past her primary feathers. Normally just being in the air like this was enough to raise the blue pegasus' spirits… but not today. Not after what she'd heard from the mailmare.<p>

Was that wild tale really true? It seemed ridiculous. _Spike_ had the Element of Loyalty? One thing was for sure, the cyan mare was going to get to the bottom of this or her name wasn't Rainbow Dash. It… _was_ still Rainbow Dash, right?

Growling at herself for the momentary doubt, Rainbow Dash gave up on gliding altogether. No reason to take her time. She was going to get back to Ponyville and set everything straight. And she was going to do it today.


	4. Chapter 4: Puppet Show

**Old Vs New**

_Chapter Four: Puppet Show_

_by Fernin_

_As per usual… this is fan fiction. I don't own the characters or the setting or whatnot…_

**Quick Author's Note: As of this chapter I revised / retconned Spike to being male. Details at the main Author's Note at the end.**_  
><em>

* * *

><p>Spike yawned again as he locked the door to the library behind him. He'd put this off for as long as he could manage in the hopes that something would turn up. It hadn't, of course. A half hour of cleaning the kitchen and doing various necessary chores around the library had delayed the inevitable, but the draco-pegasus' sense of responsibility had finally launched a surprise attack and emerged victorious. He turned away from the comforting safety of his home, finally ready to make the first step of what would hopefully be a very short journey. Well, not <em>ready<em> exactly, but with no more excuses close at hand... "Okay Spike, here goes."

The streets of Ponyville bustled. It was Saturday—market day—and ponies of every kind and color trotted through the streets. Spike strode briskly down a few side streets, hoping to avoid notice for as long as possible. He still remembered all the looks and attention he'd gotten the first month or two when he had first shown up in Ponyville before the Summer Sun Celebration. But now the ex-dragon wasn't presenting the citizens of Ponyville with the rather unusual yet unthreatening sight of a diminutive baby dragon. Instead, he towered a full head taller than most of the stallions and trotted through the street on his hind legs as the one and only draco-pegasus in existence. Just like in the hall in Canterlot, he was sure he could feel every eye on him.

Thankfully, just as before, there were no angry mobs or shouted insults—although at one point Spike could have sworn he heard a faint and quickly hushed cry of, '_the horror!_' In fact, Spike was just beginning to think that he might get all the way to the Everfree Forest without facing any torches, pitchforks, or awkward conversations when...

"Hey, Spike! Is that you?" called a squeakily cheerful voice.

Spike whirled around, hands already rising to defend his face from any burning brands or brandished farming implements—and relaxed. "Oh! H-hey, Sweetie Belle…"

"Wow, you're really tall now! Have you had a growth spurt?" the little curly-haired unicorn asked, grinning up at Spike.

The draco-pegasus found himself hunting the shadows for signs of Sweetie Belle's two best friends. Spike's new form seemed durable enough, but was it sturdy enough to survive the Crusaders? That wasn't something he wanted to put to the test if he didn't have to. "…Sort of, I guess."

"Really? 'Cos Rarity said… Um… What was it again? Uh…" Sweetie Belle scratched her chin with one hoof, biting her lip slightly with the effort of remembering her sister's exact words.

The absolute last thing Spike wanted to hear about at this point was what crushingly unflattering things Rarity probably thought of the ex-dragon's bizarre new body. He glanced around for an escape route. Left? No, that was back the way he'd just come. Right? Eh… that led straight to the Quill and Sofa, not in the direction he needed to go. Forward? That would require running over Sweetie Belle, and the little filly certainly hadn't done anything to deserve that kind of treatment.

Spike's eyes widened in panic as Sweetie Belle's face broke into a grin. The little unicorn continued, "Oh right, I remember what she said! She said, 'It's so dreadful for poor Spike, what that awful Discord did—'"

There was a sudden explosion of dust and wind. Sweetie Belle's eyes snapped shut automatically but with her mind already in full recitation mode, she kept speaking. She was equally oblivious to a sudden crash and the scrabbling sounds coming from a nearby rooftop.

"'…But at least his new form is absolutely stunning. I hope I can convince him to do some modeling for me once Twilight lets him out of that dusty lab.' So if you…" Sweetie Belle's eyes reopened as the dust settled, showing her an empty unpopulated side street. "Spike? Spike? Gone. Hmph."

Spike's heart was pounding in his chest as he clung desperately to the roof and waited for Sweetie Belle to wander off. Thankfully the little filly only took a few moments to lose interest, allowing the draco-pegasus to slide back down the roof and tumble gratefully onto solid ground. First flight, successful—assuming that one defined success as 'attempt to fly away; crash into roof; cling to roof until pony you were escaping from goes somewhere else.' Why, at this rate he'd be doing sonic rainbooms around the town within a month.

Fortunately for Spike's still-exhausted body and now overtaxed heart, the remainder of the trip out to Fluttershy's was uneventful. Still, by the time he reached the little cottage, the draco-pegasus was once again stifling yawns left and right. He raised one clawed hand and knocked gently on the door. "Fluttershy? Hey, Fluttershy? It's me… Spike."

Much to Spike's surprise, the door opened without a moment's hesitation. He found himself reining in the urge to jump backward with a shocked yelp as the welcoming committee stuck its small, white, and above all aggressive head out the door. Two black, beady eyes peered suspiciously up at this tall purple-and-green newcomer. It was Angel, the white rabbit who was practically Fluttershy's second-in-command (or perhaps she was his) over the pegasus' informal veterinary clinic.

Angel stared at the towering form of the draco-pegasus. At first the little creature seemed almost as flummoxed by Spike as Spike was by the rabbit—but soon the diminutive bunny recovered his usual demeanor of barely-restrained contempt.

Spike felt moved to explain himself. "Angel. Hello. Don't freak out or anything; I'm Spike. You remember? Spike the dragon? Twilight's test subj—er, assistant? I'm here to see—"

Before the ex-dragon was even halfway through his explanation, Angel waved one paw impatiently. Spike could almost hear the furry little beast say something like, _Yeah yeah, whatever. Fluttershy's inside, come on in. But make any trouble and I'll be mounting your wings over the fireplace, got it?_ …Something like that, anyway.

Spike blinked. The rabbit hadn't just..? Angel stared at him, tapping one oversized foot impatiently. Sighing, Spike trotted inside. Augh, what was wrong with his imagination lately? Perhaps having the wrong body was super-stimulating his brain. More likely it was just the fatigue of the past few days building up to blur the line between dreams and reality. The draco-pegasus briefly considered asking Twilight about it, but the poor unicorn probably already had enough to worry about.

Shaking his green-maned head in a vain attempt to clear it, Spike started to make his way through the foyer to look for Fluttershy. He didn't have to go far—almost as soon as Angel closed the front door, eager hoofbeats rang on the floor and Fluttershy cantered out of the kitchen with an excited smile on her face. "Hello..? The little birdies told me we had a visitor coming! I was wondering when you would—oh! Spike! H-hello!"

Fluttershy and Spike stared at each other for a moment. Left hanging in the air was the unasked question, 'expecting someone else, Fluttershy?' Spike glanced around to see Angel staring meaningfully and shaking his head. The draco-pegasus didn't need to imagine words coming out of the rabbit's mouth to know what that meant. Instead, he forged ahead with his original mission. "Fluttershy, I was wondering if you, uh… If you knew where Rainbow Dash might be…"

"Oh… I don't think I can help you there, Spike. S-sorry…" Fluttershy drooped slightly but brightened again with, "But I just made some tea and a fresh plate of cookies, if you'd like some!"

The nervous yellow mare's rapid transformation to gracious hostess was nothing short of remarkable. Spike opened his mouth to ask about it, and to blazes with tiny threatening rabbits, but instead all he could manage was a yawn. The draco-pegasus quickly covered his gaping muzzle—no need for the excitable Fluttershy to see all those sharp teeth in one place—and reconsidered. "Actually, Fluttershy, some tea would be great right now, thank you."

In a moment Fluttershy was back, tea tray balanced on her wings. Spike helped slide the assortment of cups and spoons onto the low table and took a seat opposite the pegasus pony, teacup in hand. He stifled another yawn. "Sorry about that. Haven't been sleeping well lately. It's the wings."

Fluttershy simply poured her unexpected guest some tea. Quiet by nature, she could tell when somepony had something to talk about. She sat, smiling faintly, and waited. The poor little dragon… well not so little any more, or so dragon-y… was probably just worried about the effects his condition was having on Twilight Sparkle.

After a few seconds Spike found himself drawn to fill the silence. The draco-pegasus sighed and admitted, "Okay it's not just the wings. I've been having these awful dreams about Rainbow Dash."

The metal spoon in Fluttershy's mouth paused in its quiet clinking against the china of the teacup. Undissolved sugar swirled in the tea as the pegasus stared at Spike. She tried to speak and managed only a faint, "W-what?"

"Um. Well. Nopony has seen Rainbow Dash. For some reason I keep dreaming that… that she's angry with me and she's going to attack me when she sees me," Spike explained lamely. Sitting awkwardly, the ex-dragon settled back deeper onto the soft cushions of the couch.

Now the spoon had dropped completely out of Fluttershy's mouth as she stared in horror. Her voice was barely audible. "R-rainbow what? She wouldn't—I mean, she may _seem_ violent sometimes, but…"

"It's probably silly," Spike agreed, ears drooping. He broke off for a moment to yawn hugely. Despite the tea, sitting on the comfortable couch was making it difficult to keep his eyelids open.

Sighing in relief, Fluttershy felt her spirits rise a bit along with the volume of her voice. "Oh, yes. Rainbow Dash wouldn't do something like that, Spike."

"…Dash might just tell me to go away and never come back," continued the draco-pegasus, oblivious to the mortified reaction from his host. Spike yawned again, settling back into the cushions of the couch. "I guess that wouldn't be as… bad…"

"N-no! I don't think… I mean, Rainbow Dash isn't like that… I'm sorry you feel that way, but…" Once again Fluttershy's voice trailed into inaudibility. "Spike? Spike..? Oh, he's asleep."

* * *

><p>Spike awoke with a start. At first he didn't realize where he was, but a quick glance around told the draco-pegasus that he had somehow dozed off in Fluttershy's cottage. He looked down. A soft blue blanket was draped over his purple-furred form and several soft pillows behind his back and both wings told the still-groggy creature that Fluttershy had been content to let him rest after he'd fallen asleep. His teacup was resting on the table, the beverage inside having long since cooled to room temperature. The room was quiet, save for the soft ticking of a clock.<p>

Speaking of clocks, what time was it? A quick glance at the dial told Spike that it was about 4:00 PM. Oh, that wasn't so bad, he—wait. Four o'clock? He'd slept nearly the entire day! Rainbow Dash was still nowhere to be found! Twilight would be… well, honestly, Twilight Sparkle was hopefully still sleeping off several days' worth of fatigue and wouldn't notice. But still.

With an effort Spike managed to tear himself away from the wonderful softness of Fluttershy's couch. He cleared his throat and called, "Fluttershy? Uh, hey, Fluttershy?"

Spike waited a few heartbeats, but there was no answer. Maybe his hostess was out taking care of her animals? Regardless, he needed to go. Heading for the door, the draco-pegasus said his goodbyes to the apparently empty cottage. "Um, thanks a lot for the tea and for letting me sleep on your couch, Fluttershy! I'd better get going. See you around!"

The ex-dragon broke into a jog as he headed up the path back to Ponyville. After a few paces he transitioned from an awkward half-run into a series of short, fluttering hops, trying to get his wings to speed him along instead of simply making ground movement difficult. It took Spike a few tries, but he finally managed to get into a semi-fluid rhythm. Step step step hop… glide. Step step step hop… glide. He wasn't exactly flying, but at least the odd gait was helping him making good time back to Ponyville.

Spike began to concentrate on the immediate future. Who should he talk to next? It was getting late, so Pinkie Pie would be getting off work at Sugarcube Corner soon. That might be a good bet… and the draco-pegasus totally wasn't thinking that just because his stomach was starting to feel a bit empty.

With visions of cupcakes and pastry strudels dancing before the draco-pegasus' eyes, he barely had time to react to the net. It dropped without warning from a low-hanging branch as he glided underneath. Wings and arms flailed as Spike collided with the sudden obstacle, its thick webbing enveloping him.

Spike grunted as he tumbled to the ground, sliding a few feet down the dirt path. What was going on? As though in answer to the unspoken question, three jubilant young voices rose in unison. "CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS CHAOS-CATCHERS!"

Oh, no, it was the Crusaders. Wait. 'Chaos-Catchers?'

"We got him! Help me hold on, Scootaloo!" Sweetie Belle squeaked as she galloped forward to grab a corner of the net. Apple Bloom followed close behind with Scootaloo fluttering down from the tree limb from which the net had come.

Spike struggled vainly against the net as the three fillies tried to use their combined weight against the captured draco-pegasus. He fought his way to his knees, whining, "Girls, stop that!"

"We gotcha now, ya Discord-pegasus!" cried Apple Bloom as she hauled on her edge of the net. The move sent Spike tumbling back onto his side with a grunt.

"That's _draco_-pegasus!" the definitely-not-a-Discord-pegasus protested.

"Oooh, Rainbow Dash is going to be so proud!" Scootaloo was practically beside herself with excitement, her wide grin easily visible even through the close mesh of the netting.

"Rainbow Dash?" Spike bolted upright, a sudden surge of adrenaline giving him wings—well, more energy at least—as he leaped to his feet. A quick burst of green flame from Spike's muzzle vaporized a draco-pegasus-sized hole in the net. In an instant the ex-dragon was free, smoldering remnants of the net falling off him as his would-be captors tumbled away.

Spike looked around the miniature circle of devastation his struggle had caused. Absent-mindedly he brushed some smoking bits of rope out of his mane and eyed his defeated foes. It seemed the Cutie Mark Crusaders weren't getting their Cutie Marks in chaos-catching after all.

Picking up Scootaloo, Spike set the dazed little pegasus the right way up. He helped dust Sweetie Belle off and tugged Apple Bloom out of the grasp of an especially prickly briar patch. The three CMCs seemed more bewildered by the sudden reversal of fortunes than actually hurt by the draco-pegasus' sudden eruption of strength.

Once Spike had returned the Cutie Mark Crusaders to some semblance of order, he speared them with an irritated glare. Before the three fillies could finish recovering from their sudden defeat, the draco-pegasus was already interrogating them. "Are you okay? And what's this about Rainbow Dash? Has anypony seen her?"

The unsuccessful chaos catchers remained silent for a moment, exchanging nervous glances. Spike crossed his arms and watched his would-be captors expectantly. "…Well?"

Coughing uncomfortably into one hoof, Apple Bloom started, "Well, we—whoah!"

The little earth pony broke off her explanation and shied back as an angry Scootaloo darted forward. The orange filly's hackles were up and her little wings flared in a vain attempt to make the diminutive pegasus pony seem larger than she was. "Don't tell that poser anything, Apple Bloom!"

"'Poser?'" Spike managed, staring down at the incensed little filly.

Scootaloo was practically vibrating with rage. She spread her wings further as though to shield her friends from the looming draco-pegasus. "Yeah! Nopony is more loyal than Rainbow Dash, you poser! The _real_ Rainbow Dash told us all about you! Friend stealer!"

'Friend stealer.' The insult echoed in Spike's brain, bringing up stomach-churning images from his earlier nightmares. Despite the draco-pegasus' best efforts, the memories rose to fill his mind's eye with images of cyan pegasus ponies with glowing red eyes and the multi-colored annihilation of unending sonic rainbombs.

When Spike tried to respond, the words caught in his throat. Was this really how they saw him, now? He looked from Scootaloo, who was now practically frothing at the mouth, to her two companions.

Sweetie Belle was shaking like a leaf. She wasn't _scared_ of Spike, was she? She'd seemed completely oblivious to the weirdness of the draco-pegasus' form the last time they'd talked…

With his heart sinking, Spike turned to Apple Bloom. Even the dependable, happy earth pony filly seemed unsure as she shifted from hoof to hoof. Spike turned back to Scootaloo as she finished, "So why don't you just go back to where you came from and leave us alone!"

"I'm not… I'm not a friend stealer," Spike managed. He bent down to the Cutie Mark Crusaders' level, trying to marshal his thoughts into something that would bring the three fillies back around. Maybe if the draco-pegasus didn't look so tall to them, he wouldn't seem so threatening. That seemed to be working. Spike opened his mouth to continue… but suddenly he felt a sick feeling in his gut and—oh no.

All three Crusaders jerked back in surprise as Spike belched loudly. Verdant light illuminated the clearing as a massive gout of green flame burst forth from the ex-dragon's mostly equine muzzle. Moving on automatic, he managed to snatch the little scroll out of the air before it dropped to the ground. The draco-pegasus looked up to continue speaking in his own defense… and paused.

Sweetie Belle was shaking even more, looking for all the world as if she was caught up in a very localized earthquake. Apple Bloom seemed no better—being nearly on the receiving end of a fireball can turn one's head in funny ways. Scootaloo was simply staring in shock at the singed tip of her mane. A little tongue of green fire danced on the end where Spike's flames had touched it, sending up wisps of foul-smelling smoke.

Spike groaned. Of all the miserable timing… Moving very carefully, the draco-pegasus reached out and pinched out the small flame on Scootaloo's mane. The little pegasus filly looked up at Spike's clawed purple hand, inches from the end of her muzzle. She screamed and bolted, her friends quickly following suit.

"No! Wait! I—oh, _ponyfeathers,_" Spike swore as he watched the three crusaders beat a hasty and erratic retreat. He glared down at the newly arrived scroll, mentally cursing its poor timing. Who the hay would be sending a letter now, anyway? Slicing open the seal with a deft flick of his claws, the draco-pegasus unrolled the letter and began to read.

_"Spike—"_ The letter was for him? That was odd… Just as strangely, it wasn't in the elegant, flowing script that the ex-dragon was used to seeing in letters from Princess Celestia. Instead, the tight yet neat writing looked more like Twi's research notes. He read on, mumbling aloud as he did so.

_"Not much time. RD is back. Not happy—must have gotten bad version of story from somepony. Will try to calm RD. Write more soon. Hope this spell works to send to you! –TS._

_"P.S. Don't come back to Ponyville yet. Bad here. Sorry."_

This was the most succinct letter Spike had ever seen from Twilight Sparkle. The draco-pegasus momentarily considered getting it framed and hanging it up in the library to point to as proof the next time the unicorn mare told him there was no way to summarize her thoughts for the sake of her Number One Assistant's poor overworked claws… But little jokes couldn't distract him for very long from the note's actual content. "Don't come back to Ponyville?"

Don't come back to Ponyville. Right. Spike sank to the ground, landing with a dejected thump. Great. Well here he was. Being told to stay out in the Everfree Forest. Like all the other monsters. He coughed into his clawed hand. He certainly wasn't choking back a sob.

"Spike?" Apple Bloom's slight accent gave the ex-dragon's name a certain twang as she trotted back into the clearing.

Looking up, the draco-pegasus tried to smile nonthreateningly. He quickly stopped as he realized he was baring a significant number of disturbingly sharp teeth. Instead Spike settled for, "H-hey Apple Bloom."

"What's wrong?" The little filly came closer and sat down on her haunches, well within arm's reach for Spike.

Spike blinked. The earth pony had to be sitting so close on purpose. "You're not scared of me now?"

"Hmph! Ah was jest startled, is all." Apple Bloom glared at Spike as if to dare him to contradict her. After a moment her expression softened as she added, "So ya can't go back to Ponyville?"

"…Not right now. Don't know why, but Twilight thinks I shouldn't." Spike felt his hand clench involuntarily around the curled paper of the letter, squeezing it into a crumpled mess.

"Huh. Ain't that a thing." Earth pony and draco-pegasus sat silently for a moment. Apple Bloom smiled as a thought occurred to her. "Well why don'tcha come back to Sweet Apple Acres then? That ain't Ponyville!"

"I guess," Spike replied slowly, trying not to seem too eager. Relief flooded through him as he climbed to his hooves. Of course he was being silly. Twilight was just overreacting in her letter. She was probably still out of it from her latest marathon research session. He'd take Apple Bloom up on her offer, and be back at the library before sundown. Right? Right! "Okay, Apple Bloom. That sounds great."

Apple Bloom grinned and scampered off down the path. She looked back and called, "This way! C'mon, ya Discord-pegasus! Ya moved faster as a little dragon!"

"That's _draco_-pegasus," Spike corrected with a sigh. Well. Things were looking up. He wondered vaguely what he and Twilight would be having for dinner this evening as he followed the little earth pony back to her home.

* * *

><p>Spike wiped the nervous sweat from his brow and thought about the events of the past week. Heh. Wondering what he and Twi would be having for dinner… Wow, had he been over-optimistic. Now here he was, the pariah of Ponyville, leaning on the fence at the edge of Sweet Apple Acres and wondering how things had gone so wrong so quickly.<p>

The road to Ponyville was dark with the determined mass of ponies approaching for another try at evicting Spike. They'd come back. That hadn't taken long. The ex-dragon turned to the mare who seemed like one of the only friends he had left: Applejack. "Well, here they are, A.J. What are we going to do?"

"Ah jest can't believe it," the farm pony growled, shaking her head. "Ah can't believe they'd be like—like this."

Applejack looked even more tired and dejected than Spike—and the draco-pegasus knew exactly why. Sweet Apple Acres wasn't doing so well since it'd taken on its latest resident and part-time farm laborer. Profits were down and sales were practically nonexistent. The only reason anypony came by the place now was to glare at Spike and to tell the Apples that she was sheltering something unnatural. Something evil. Something… chaotic.

Pushing his elbows off the fence, Spike straightened to his full height and glanced back over the farm that had been his second home since his banishment-in-all-but-name from Ponyville. He looked back at the crowd. Some of the ponies were brandishing signs. This time a few even had—of course—torches and pitchforks. "You know, Applejack, maybe I should just go."

"Consarnit Spike, ya crazy loon, Ah'm not throwin' ya to those timberwolves!" Frowning, Applejack glared up at her friend. It was almost enough to bring Spike to tears. He'd seen the earth pony coming back from the market in town the past few days, her cart just as full as when she'd left. Nopony was buying her wares because the draco-pegasus had helped pick them. It seemed like everypony in Ponyville had anti-chaos fever. Thanks for that, _Rainbow Dash._

Spike shook his head. "Applejack, I've been getting letters from Twilight. You know how everypony is about this back in town… They— Oh, they're stopping."

The crowd halted a few stones' throw away. A small group split off, advancing towards the farm in a line while the remaining multitude of ponies stood uneasily where they were, muttering to one another in hushed voices. It was easy for both Spike and Applejack to identify the small delegation even from a distance—after all, who wouldn't recognize their friends, the bearers of the elements of harmony?

As usual Twilight led the way, but she seemed less sure of herself than usual. Lavender eyes glanced at Spike and Applejack, flicked to her other friends, and drifted back to the draco-pegasus and orange earth pony again as the mares approached. Most of the others seemed no better. Pinkie Pie's mane had lost much of its usual happy frizz and it was difficult even to _see_ Fluttershy as she hung back, trying to hide from everypony at once. Rarity's mouth was turned down in a slight frown of contempt at the unruly near-mob to her rear. But then… Then there was Rainbow Dash.

Vying with Twilight Sparkle for the lead, Rainbow Dash floated above the small group while sending angry glares Spike's way. If looks were sonic rainbombs, the megatonnage lobbed in the draco-pegasus' direction would have melted Sweet Apple Acres all the way to the bedrock. A week ago, Spike might have been happy to see the cyan pegasus. He might have waved a nervous hello. But that was before Rainbow Dash had done all… this. Now only the presence of Rarity kept the ex-dragon from using some of the gestures he'd learned during the educational afternoon he and Twilight had spent leafing through _The Egghead's Guide to Gryphon Non-Verbal Communication. _Applejack noticed her friend's agitation and prodded him in the ribs with one hoof. "Easy there, Sugarcube. Let's hear what they've got tah say."

"Howdy there, Twi… Girls," Applejack called to the delegation with a tip of her hat. "What can Ah do ya for?"

"Applejack, Mayor Mare has asked us to bring Ponyville's concerns to you," Twilight started.

Rainbow Dash interrupted, zooming ahead and hovering in front of Applejack while shooting angry looks in Spike's direction. "Why are you keeping that lame-o chaos jerk here on your farm, A.J?"

"Ah think Ah can have just about anypony I please on this here land, Rainbow," snapped the farm pony, matching Rainbow Dash glare for glare. "Not everypony is as un-neighborly as _some _Ah could mention."

"Girls!" Twilight broke in, her voice nearly a shout as she tried to make herself heard over the rising sound of the crowd. A lot of ponies at the edge of the farm obviously agreed with Rainbow Dash. Spike ducked as a rock lobbed by some unicorn whizzed by his ear.

When Twilight had gotten everypony's attention she continued, "Girls. We're here for an important reason. _Remember?_"

Spike leaned forward on the fence again even though he felt like more cowering behind it. The gathering of ponies on the road was looking a bit less like a demonstration and more like a mob-to-be as they started creeping closer in disorganized clumps. There wasn't time to waste beating around the bush. "You here because want me to leave, aren't you?"

"Yes!" cried Rainbow Dash. A cheer rose from the massed citizens of Ponyville, drowning Twilight's attempted retort. The cyan pegasus continued, "We do! You're obviously some kind of I don't know, trick from Discord! How do we know you're even really Spike? The _real _Spike wouldn't—"

"**ENOUGH!**" Twilight snarled, shocking the pegasus out of her rant and quieting the growing mob's roar to a quiet murmur. "Enough. _As I was saying._ We're here to discuss these… concerns. About Spike. And about the Element of Loyalty."

"_My_ element," Rainbow broke in before another look from Twilight silenced her.

Applejack shrugged. "Well. Do y'all want to come in for a glass of cider while we discuss it?"

Glancing back at the milling ponies behind her, Twilight Sparkle shook her head and sighed. "No, I think we'd better do it out here, A.J. Thanks for the offer."

"So, all this is just about that stupid necklace thing?" Spike asked incredulously. Rainbow Dash was ruining Sweet Apple Acres' business over a piece of jewelry? "But Twilight still has it! It's not like it's bonded to me or something, right? I mean, I was able to use it when _somepony_ had abandoned her friends…"

"Look you little—! Wait… what? So Twilight has it? Interesting," Rainbow Dash grated. Whoops. Spike knew that his comment had hit home, but hadn't realized that there was going to be some collateral damage.

Twilight looked stricken. "I… uh… I had it for safekeeping. I wasn't sure what we should do with it so I, um… Yes."

"_Forever…_" Pinkie Pie mumbled into her mane, half to herself. Spike spared the pink earth pony a glance. Her vibrant pelt had dimmed nearly to gray and her mane was drooping almost as much as the time she'd thought nopony liked her anymore… What had been going _on_ back in Ponyville? Twilight's letters had only mentioned Rainbow's efforts to stir up support and Twilight's increasingly desperate attempts to calm the cyan pegasus.

Rainbow Dash had turned from Spike now and was focusing entirely on Twilight as she shrilled, "And yet you let me assume that _Spike_ had it. Why is that? Do you think he's a better fit for the Element of Loyalty? You think I'm disloyal?"

"Oh no, Rainbow Dash… nopony is saying that," Fluttershy assured her friend in a voice smaller than the tiniest ant. Nopony heard her. The crowd started to get restless again.

"Ah think yer getting a mite bit worked up there, Rainbow," Applejack commented. "Why don'tcha let Twi have her say?"

"Thank you, Applejack. Ahem. Er…" Twilight faltered for a moment, trying to collect her scattered thoughts.

"Why is everything so complicated with you, Egghead? Argh." Rainbow Dash's voice nearly cracked as she let her emotions run wild. "Look, everypony. You all know me. I'm Rainbow Dash. The fastest, bestest—"

"Most stuck up," muttered Rarity.

"Most loyal pony of them all," Rainbow Dash continued, ignoring the white unicorn's interruption. "Spike here—_if that is your real name—_isn't. Twilight told us he's got some sort of chaos whatsits, right?"

"Well yes," agreed a flummoxed Twilight, trying desperately to regain control. "But that doesn't mean that he's evil! Rainbow, I can't believe you're being like this, we _agreed—_"

Rainbow Dash simply rolled over the purple mare's objections with, "So it's like this. 'Spike' here is trying to take my place. And you're going to let him? I may be the real bearer for the Element of Loyalty, but so what? Because of that you're just going to take me for granted? Who're you going to pick? Your friendly neighborhood Rainbow Dash? Or _him? _I vote for me!"

"Rainbow," Twilight whined, "This isn't supposed to be a popularity contest! This is serious!"

"_And_ I want all of your support so that we can go get our elements and friendship beam 'Spike' there!" Rainbow shouted, leveling one accusing hoof at Spike.

"We're not going to do that! That could _kill_ Spike! Or turn him into a statue!" Twilight protested.

"In which case we'd know he wasn't the real Spike!" concluded Rainbow Dash with a nod. "So what'll it be, girls?"

This was insane. Spike was speechless. He'd guessed Rainbow Dash was mad at him from the minute things had gone downhill in Ponyville, but this? This wasn't like Dash at all. The ex-dragon watched her as she tried to rally their mutual friends against him. He looked closer and saw it. She was scared.

Rainbow Dash was honestly scared that their friends would pick Spike over her. What a stupid little foal. She was trying to make Spike's life a living nightmare just because she was frightened. And most importantly, the cyan pegasus was tearing apart everything Twilight and Applejack and Rarity and… and everypony had all worked to put together. Because she didn't feel secure in herself.

Spike ground his teeth and felt his claws biting into the wood of the fence. The draco-pegasus couldn't let this happen. He wouldn't let that happen.

"Now look, Rainbow Dash," Twilight pleaded, "We can't just put something like this to a vote."

"Yes we can!" yelled Spike. His voice echoed, bouncing off the barn and the distant hills. Even the milling crowd in the background seemed to freeze. "And I agree with Rainbow Dash. This is stupid, but if she wants to be stupid, then fine. Let's vote on it."

The look on Rainbow Dash's face was worth it. Spike allowed himself a small, toothy smile. Had the pegasus honestly thought she'd be able to bluff him into giving up everything like that? Yeah, right.

"Well then, Ah pick Spike," Applejack offered. "Ain't nopony friendship beamin' one of my guests, and Rainbow Dash is wronger than a pear on an apple tree if she thinks bein' an element bearer is what makes somepony my friend."

"I should have known he'd get to you somehow!" Rainbow snarled. But the vote was picking up speed now.

"I'll side with Spike too," announced Rarity. "I can't believe you, Rainbow Dash. You should be ashamed of yourself and I hope Spike finds it in his heart to forgive you."

Dash stammered for a moment, almost dropping out of the air in her shock before she managed to recover. "F-fine! Well, Pinkie Pie? What about you?"

Pinkie Pie remained silent for once, staring back and forth between Spike and the orbiting Rainbow Dash. Tears slid down her cheeks, cutting dark rivulets across her pink face. After an uncomfortable moment the earth pony simply turned away, her withers shaking as she sobbed quietly and muttered the same word over and over to herself. "Forever… forever…"

"What about you, Fluttershy? You're not going to pick a _dragon_-thing over your oldest friend. Right?" cried an increasingly desperate Dash. The little pegasus didn't answer. She was huddled against the ground, wings practically welded to her side as she tried to make herself as small as possible.

Twilight Sparkle's expression hardened. "Rainbow Dash! Stop this. This is serious and you're not going to turn it into some kind of stupid contest over a necklace and a title! This is about our friendship! What is wrong with you?"

"Of course you'd take that _thing's_ side!" Dash exclaimed, her voice rising to new and shriller heights as she turned on the purple unicorn. "What, you think I'll just stay by your side no matter what? Good ol' trusty Rainbow Dash, nopony more loyal than her. She'll just let me walk all over her because she's too dumb to leave when she's obviously not wanted! If I wasn't as loyal as I am, I would already be gone!"

"That's not what I meant!" Twilight cried, trying to break in on the angry pegasus' tirade. "It's how you're attacking Spike that's the problem! If you're the 'real Element of Loyalty' you should remember that being loyal means giving your friends the benefit of the doubt!"

Rainbow Dash threw up her forehooves in exasperation as she snarled, "'Benefit of the doubt?' And who are you to talk to me about loyalty and the benefit of the doubt, little Miss Hide-the-Element? Little Miss 'You're-the-new-Rainbow-Dash-now?' How can I be loyal to you if you won't be loyal to _me_ when it counts? You didn't even try to find me in the fight with Discord! You just picked somepony—some_thing_ convenient!"

"We didn't have time!" Twilight was almost begging now, barely making herself heard over a crowd roaring its agreement with the impassioned pegasus.

Rainbow Dash turned and flapped back to Fluttershy's side. The yellow pony was practically burrowing into the ground as her agitated friend leaned close. "Come on, Fluttershy. Pinkie Pie and Twilight aren't voting. But you'll vote, won't you? Come on, 'Shy. You know me. Can't you back up your friend? Fluttershy?"

"Meep," squeaked Fluttershy, her voice barely audible as the cyan speedster prodded her with one hoof.

Spike felt cold as he split his attention between Twilight Sparkle's attempts to calm the crowd and Rainbow Dash's increasingly desperate pleas to the nearly catatonic Fluttershy. Was all this _his_ fault? All the draco-pegasus had done was help his friends, hadn't he? Why was this happening?

"Come on, Fluttershy," urged Dash. "You like me, don't you? You'll support me, right? Hey. Hey! Come on, 'Shy!"

"Y'all better leave that poor pony alone!" An orange blur leaped the fence next to Spike and made a beeline for the two pegasus mares. Applejack's hooves met only air as Rainbow Dash took to the sky an instant before the earth pony reached her.

Rainbow Dash glared at the farmer, hovering just out of reach. "What the buck is wrong with you, A.J? Oh right, I forgot. Apparently you like 'Spike' more than me, you interfering hick!"

Rarity shrieked as a crazed Pinkie Pie whirled and grabbed her, hissing, "We have to stop them, Rarity! If we don't get them to stop fighting now we might lose our friends! _FOREVER!_"

The white unicorn pushed back against her friend, trying to regain lost personal space. "Pinkie! Really! And ponies say _I'm_ melodramatic—let go of me this instant!"

Twilight looked lost at the center of the growing storm. She waved her forehooves uncertainly, trying to attract everypony's attention with calming words that had long since lost any effect. "Look! Don't just- If everypony could just- No, Rainbow, DON'T get into a fight with A.J., you—argh!"

"You want to come up here and say that to my face?" Rainbow shouted, her hackles raised as she hovered inches away from Applejack's muzzle.

"Why don't YOU come down here and say what ya jest said to MY face?" Applejack hollered up at the blue mare. She circled this way and that, trying to follow Rainbow Dash as the pegasus orbited her warily. The two mares watched each other, trading increasingly nasty insults.

Spike climbed the fence and headed forward. Somepony had to stop this. But at the same time, he felt the twisting hot coils of anger tightening around his chest. Where did Rainbow Dash get off, acting like this? What was wrong with that mare? His claws flexed as he stepped towards the orange farm pony and her flying blue antagonist. Maybe somepony should take Rainbow down a peg for her own good. For everypony's good.

"Girls, stop it! I mean it!" Twilight darted forward, trying to interpose herself between Applejack and Rainbow Dash.

"After what she jus' said about my brother an' me? Ah think not!" Applejack reared up, front hooves pawing at the air in a vain attempt to reach Rainbow Dash's leering face.

The draco-pegasus' body was moving almost on its own now as he stalked towards Rainbow Dash, picking up speed. All Spike wanted to do was to shut her up. It was so simple. He'd swat her down and yell at her a bit about what stupid little filly she was being. She'd see reason. They could all make up and be friends again. He could go home. Twilight Sparkle could fix this and everything would be fine. But the first step, _the first step_ was unquestionably to smack the cocky blue pegasus right out of the air and shake some sense into her. He raised one clawed hand and—

"N-no Spike! Don't!" Moving faster than Spike had ever seen Fluttershy move before, the yellow pegasus was in the air and flying to clutch at his raised arm. But the ex-dragon's claws were already in a rapid, scything arc even as he strained to stop them. Purple-furred arm and pink-maned pegasus collided… and the arm won. Fluttershy hit the ground with a quiet thump.

Rainbow Dash didn't notice. Twilight Sparkle didn't notice. Applejack didn't notice, nor did almost anypony else—but for Spike, it was all he could see. The ex-dragon's horrified green eyes stared at his still-raised arm, then at the crumpled form of the yellow pony. He dropped to his knees, hastening to check the pegasus for any injuries.

"Fluttershy? Fluttershy! Oh, Celestia," Spike groaned. The pegasus was completely and perfectly still, her pastel yellow fur tinged with a faint patina of gray. She wasn't breathing. Tears filling his eyes, the draco-pegasus looked up expecting to see everypony glaring daggers at him for what he'd done. They would tear him apart. He would deserve it.

Everything was as still and cold as the little pink-maned pegasus. The crowd of demonstrators-turned-rioters was motionless, each pony's dull eyes flashing with fear and anger. Applejack's silent mouth was open mid-scream, her muzzle inches away from Rainbow Dash's own howling visage. Twilight Sparkle had a hoof on both mares, trying to force them apart. Light was blazing from the unicorn's eyes and horn, yet somehow even the glowing energy itself seemed frozen. What was going on?

Spike became aware of a slow, repetitive sound gradually increasing in volume as it intruded on his shocked consciousness. It was the sound of clapping. The draco-pegasus turned around—and jerked back in dread. Two yellow eyes sparkled with amusement as they met his disbelieving stare. The apparition hung in the air with a body that coiled sinuously like the tail of some venomous snake. Still the clapping continued, the only sound in the otherwise silent and unmoving world.

The creature's heavy leonine paw slapped against the yellowed talons of its other hand, producing another near-thunderclap as the grinning draconequus kept up his slow, mocking applause. Discord chuckled. "Oh, bravo. _Bravo,_ my little draco-pegasus friend. Attacking the innocent? I didn't think you had it in you!"

"I didn't mean… I wasn't trying to—" Spike quavered, looking down at his clawed hands. He hadn't meant to hurt Fluttershy. He had just been trying to stop a stupid fight and to protect his friends… hadn't he?

"Oh, I know! I know! But you did it anyway. I would say this was all part of my plan, but hah! You know me. Plans are so _organized,_" Discord commented, rolling his eyes in disgust.

Before Spike could even think of reacting, the draconequus vanished in a flash and reappeared above the dumbfounded ex-dragon. Discord conjured up a wide blue sheet of paper covered with tiny scribbles and diagrams, examining it and chortling gleefully. Rubbing his paws together in delight the spirit of chaos continued, "Still if I had planned this, _my_ but how well it worked. Just look at them all. It's been simply ages since I've seen ponies so full of hate for each other as your 'friends' there."

Spike looked. Applejack and Rainbow Dash were snarling at each other, frozen seconds away from being locked in mortal combat. The pegasus' wings were flared out, making her loom over the earth pony. The farmer pawed at the air with flint-hard hooves inches from striking at Rainbow's chest.

The orange mare and weather pegasus weren't the only element bearers tainted by animosity. Rarity was cringing in contempt as Pinkie Pie gestured wildly, foam flecked on her lips. Even Twilight's face was twisted with rage as she tried desperately to stop A.J. and Dash from trying to kill one another.

"But the elements—we defeated you!" wailed Spike. How was this even happening?

Discord shrugged and grinned, waving a paw demonstrably at the angry ponies. "You did, 'Spikebow Dash.' You did indeed. And let me tell you _that_ was a surprise! But that was then. And this is now. The power of the elements is broken. Their bearers are filled with fear and anger, pony jelly donuts with delicious hate filling, mmmm…"

A shudder ran down Spike's spine. The spirit of chaos was right. "You—you did this somehow. You turned them against each other, like you did before!"

"_Moi?_" Discord waved his arms, covering his forehead in a wild gesture of dismay. "I think you'll find I was a bit too turned to stone at the time to do that. Give credit where credit's due."

The snakelike draconequus slithered through the air to the frozen shapes of Twilight and her feuding friends. Discord's heavy feline paw tousled Twilght's mane. He pushed Applejack's hat to a slightly more rakish angle and grinned. The grin faded for a moment as the spirit of chaos turned back to Spike with a mournful shake of his goat-like head. "Oh, my silly little ponies. They do so well when everything's nice and samey and predictable, yes, but give them something a little different and… well. Zebras are almost identical to ponies, and look how Ponyville treated Zecora! So of course with something as extraordinary as _you_…"

Spike looked down at his strange shape and knew that the dragonequus was right. But giving the dejected ex-dragon no time to contemplate it, Discord continued his rant. The creature of chaos started to grin again as he poured his poison into the draco-pegasus' ear. "Really, that's the best thing about you mortals. Everything's perfect forever and ever, but just let somepony like me introduce a little… heh heh… discord into their so-called harmony. Give them a little bit of time, and they'll do what they do best… mess everything up for themselves. Can't have anything that isn't the same, now can we? That might be _interesting._ Ewwwww. And that's why I'll always win. It's like a natural law! Ooh… Note to self: abolish natural laws."

It was almost a struggle for Spike to remain upright as the gravity of his situation weighed down on him. Had he played right into Discord's clutches this entire time? All his efforts, all his attempts to be loyal to his friends and family had all led to… to this.

A sharp claw pricked at the patch of leathery hide under Spike's chin. Discord lifted the drooping draco-pegasus' head until the two creatures were eye to eye. The snaggle-toothed monster smiled almost tenderly. "You know. There's one thing the ponies invented that I've always loved: puppet shows. It's so delightful to watch the marionettes dance around on their little strings as though they have free will even though you _know_ it's really all thanks to the puppeteer. But you know how you can tell the amateur puppeteers from the best?"

Vanishing in a flash, Discord reappeared right at Spike's side. He leaned in close, tugging at the draco-pegasus' long equine ear as he whispered, "A really skilled puppeteer gets the puppets to pull their _own_ strings."

Suddenly Discord was high above Sweet Apple Acres, his convoluted shape barely more than a small speck. Somehow, Spike could still hear him as the sprit of chaos called, "And now I think it's time to unfreeze everypony. No reason for you to miss out on the fun. Don't worry, I'll make sure Fluttershy survives. I never got to mess with her properly, you know. Now that I have more time, she'll be… fun."

Spike roared despairingly as the world came alive around him—alive with hatred. He rocketed away from the howling mob as they rushed forward. With one massive flap of his wings, the draco-pegasus shot towards Discord with his claws outstretched and smoke pouring from his flared nostrils. Just before Spike reached his target, the dragonequus laughed and vanished—along with everything else.

* * *

><p>Spike woke with a scream on his lips and his racing pulse thundering in his ears. He was lying back on a couch in Fluttershy's cottage. A soft blue blanket was draped over him and downy pillows tucked behind his head and back. If not for the mind-numbing horror of his dream, this would have been the most comfortable he'd been in days.<p>

Unfortunately, physical comfort didn't do anything to calm Spike's pounding heart or to dispel the awful sense of déjà vu. It had been a dream. But what a dream. Somehow it had been worse than that awful, nightmarish daydream back in Canterlot. The ex-dragon wiped cold sweat off his brow and tried desperately to slow down his ragged breathing. He sincerely hoped that _this_ dream wouldn't have encores like the previous one had…

Groaning, Spike pushed himself up onto rubbery legs. The silence of the otherwise empty room was oppressive, broken only by the faint ticking of Fluttershy's clock. He needed some fresh air. He needed to walk. He needed to get out of here, because everything he'd seen since waking up reminded him strongly of just how _real_ the nightmare had been. "F-fluttershy? I'm… thanks for letting me sleep but I've got to get going. I have to go… see… I have to go."

Not even waiting for a response from his absent hostess, the draco-pegasus hurried out the door and back towards the outskirts of Ponyville. He trotted as fast as he could, hoping that physical exertion would at least give a down-to-earth reason for the way his heart was thudding against his ribcage. Without thinking about it, Spike transitioned from a jog into the same series of hopping glides that had worked so well in his dream. He nearly tripped over his own hooves when he realized what he was doing and quickly switched back to a brisk jog.

All right. It had been a dream, right? Spike just had to keep reminding himself of that. Maybe if he focused on the next stop in his quest… perhaps Pinkie Pie? She would be getting off work at Sugarcube Corner soon. That might be a good bet. After all, the pink mare had an almost uncanny way of finding ponies—especially Rainbow Dash.

Spike's ears twitched as he heard a trio of raised voices ahead. Who was coming? The speakers seemed familiar… "Ah told ya, Sweetie Belle, stop usin' words the rest of us don't understand!"

That was Apple Bloom. The ex-dragon's heart jumped into his throat as a horrible, wrenching feeling of déjà vu once again washed over him. Any minute now the Crusaders were going to try to jump him, just like in the dream! The conviction was silly, but all the same… Spike quickened his pace and leaped.

"'Rendezvous' isn't that big of a word," Sweetie Belle retorted hotly, scowling a bit at her vocabulary-challenged friends. Scootaloo rolled her eyes. Apple Bloom sighed theatrically. The little unicorn's frown deepened. "Well it's not…"

"What was that noise?" asked Scootaloo, eager to change the subject. "I heard some kind of crash. Did anypony else hear it?"

"Ah heard something," Apple Bloom agreed as the three fillies trotted on, looking around carefully. The way to Fluttershy's house was usually clear of dangerous creatures, but there was always a first time. Maybe if they were lucky they could get their 'capturing animals' cutie marks before even getting to the cottage!

Sweetie Belle was about to concur as well when a falling leaf nearly poked her in the eye. Yelping, she jerked back and looked up to glower at the cause of the—"Spike? What're you doing up there?"

"Heh heh… Oh, nothing," Spike said with a nervous laugh. The ex-dragon certainly wasn't hiding from three little fillies less than half his size because of a scary dream he'd had. Oh no. Not that at all. He waved from his awkward perch on a low-hanging branch. So much for going unnoticed. "Er… what are you three doing?"

"We're trying for our animal catcher Cutie Marks!" Sweetie Belle exclaimed excitedly. "Show him the net, Scootaloo!"

"Yeah, it's—" Scootaloo's explanation was interrupted by a sudden scream from Spike. The draco-pegasus fell out of the tree and hit the ground running. Soon the receding purple blur was out of sight in the thick trees.

The pegasus pony was left with the small butterfly net dangling from her mouth, looking in puzzlement at the other two Crusaders. And to think Spike was supposedly a replacement for the fastest, bestest, and most awesome pony in all of Equestria. Yeah, right. Scootaloo rolled her eyes. "Geeze, what's _his_ problem?"

* * *

><p>"Spike? Spike? I brought you some—oh, he's gone." Fluttershy sighed and put the tray of cookies down on the living room table. The pegasus had heard her guest moving around a bit, but it was still a surprise to find he'd simply left while she was out tending to some of her birds.<p>

"Did Spike say anything before he left, Angel?" asked the yellow mare. Her rabbit assistant shrugged. Who cared what happened to weird dragon-pony things? Spike looked like he could take care of himself.

A knock at the door interrupted any further conversation. Fluttershy squeaked and hurried to answer. "H-hello? Who—Oh!"

There on the doorstep was the most ragged, dejected-looking pony Fluttershy had ever seen. The newcomer glanced around as if worried she'd be spotted and cleared her throat. "Hey, Fluttershy. Uh… can I come in?"

"Of course you can!" Suddenly Fluttershy was in full friendly hostess mode once more. As with Spike, she could tell when somepony needed her attentions. "Come right in, Rainbow Dash."

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN:**_ _Don't worry, this is as dark as it gets. If you haven't noticed, this and chapter 2 kind of set the stage for how the remainder of this story will run (three more chapters to go! …I think). I'm doing chapter-by-chapter examination of the different ways that RD might receive the news that Spike is the new Rainbow Dash. The next one's Pinkie Pie's. I hope you're ready for some… well. Some Pinkie Pie being Pinkie Pie._

_As you can see, I've switched Spike back to being a guy and edited all the other chapters accordingly. Initially Discord making Spike into a girl was going to be part of a joke for Rarity's chapter, but it was really awkward and honestly never really felt right. Oh, and Spike-as-a-girl made it absolutely murderous to write some scenes because everyone was female and I had to do a bunch of cheetah flips to avoid pronoun reference confusion. ARGH. That's all fixed now though and I feel good about it. Someone let me know if I missed a "Spike-as-girl" bit in this or one of the previous chapters._


	5. Chapter 5: May the Best Dash Win!

**Old Vs New**

_Chapter Five: May The Best Dash Win!_

_Or_

_Full Metal Pegasus_

_by Fernin_

_As per usual, this is fan fiction. I don't own the characters or the setting or whatnot._

* * *

><p>Spike's breath came in ragged gasps, but he kept running until he reached the outskirts of Ponyville. The draco-pegasus leaned against one of the outlying buildings and panted, gripping his side with one clawed hand in an attempt to will away the aching pain of fatigue. Had he done it?<p>

A furtive look over the draco-pegasus' shoulder revealed no pursuit. Spike's ears twitched and turned, listening for the excited voices of the Cutie Mark Crusaders, buthe could only hear the quiet bustle of a normal day in Ponyville. He'd done it. He'd gotten away from them. The Crusaders had tried to chase him—at least, he assumed they had. The ex-dragon had been making far too much noise himself to tell for sure.

Thinking back on it, Spike knew he should be chuckling right now. The sheer idea of a big chaos-twisted creature like himself getting chased out of the Everfree Forest by three harmless little fillies was hilarious. Okay, they weren't exactly harmless _per se_; these were the Cutie Mark Crusaders after all. But still. It was funny, right? So why wasn't he even smiling?

Spike ran his claws through his scraggly mane and breathed one last sigh as his heart rate finally slowed to normal levels. This was getting ridiculous. How long was he going to freak out about little things when he had bigger things to worry about, like the long-anticipated return of—

"Rainbow Dash!" a voice exclaimed.

"GAH!" screamed the draco-pegasus. His body reacted almost without his brain's input, diving under the nearest shelter.

When the next few seconds of eyes-squeezed-shut cowering failed to produce multicolored explosions or the angry shouts of a mob, Spike hesitantly opened one eye and looked up. He nearly screamed again, but managed to turn it into a cough and a sheepish, "H-hi, Pinkie."

Somehow in the reflexive haste to find cover, Spike had managed to dive _under_ Pinkie Pie. Staring down at the ex-dragon for a moment longer than was comfortable, the mare giggled. "Sorry about that, 'Spikebow Dash.' It's just that you look so much like Rainbow Dash that I mistook you—"

"Don't. It isn't funny. And stop calling me that," Spike snapped. He held back the irritated snarl that was begging to escape and, jaw clenched, slid out from under the earth pony and climbed back to his hooves. To her credit, Pinkie Pie stayed quiet for a moment. Spike used the opportunity to dust himself off a bit and an awkward silence stretched out between pony and half-pony.

"I'm sorry, Spikeb—Spike," Pinkie Pie said, hastily correcting herself. "I know you're worried about Dashie coming back. Forgive me?"

The longer Spike hesitated, the more the earth pony's big blue eyes threatened to fill with tears. Finally he groaned and nodded. "Fine, Pinkie. I forgive you. But seriously, stop calling me that. And don't do things like joke about seeing Rainbow Dash. I'm serious!"

"You don't want to see Rainbow Dash again?" Pinkie was still smiling as usual, but her voice had taken on a vaguely threatening tone. At least, it might have been threatening. It was always hard to know with Pinkie Pie.

"It's… Yes! No. I don't know. It's… complicated," sighed Spike.

"Hmm," Pinkie Pie murmured, scratching her chin thoughtfully. With a happy exclamation the pony burst into motion again, leaping energetically around the surprised draco-pegasus. "Ooh! I've just had the bestest best idea! You know what would help you with your problem, Spikey?"

"A party?" Spike smiled slightly as he watched the pink mare prance around him in an excited circle.

Pinkie stopped bouncing for a moment, her expression switching abruptly from a wide grin to an annoyed frown. "What? Why does everypony always think that's my answer to everything?"

The ex-dragon found himself scrambling to catch up with a conversation that had suddenly gone completely off the rails. "I… er… uh, because you throw the best parties, so we all just assume…?"

"Oh? Okay!" Pinkie Pie brightened again and prodded the ex-dragon's belly. "Anyway, I think what you need is some lunch at Sugarcube Corner! My treat?"

"Thanks Pinkie, but I'm not—" Spike blushed as his polite refusal was rudely interrupted by his stomach's emphatic growl of acceptance. Apparently having horrible nightmares and fleeing in unreasoning terror from three little fillies really helped work up an appetite. "Whoops, sorry. I guess I am."

Pinkie grinned knowingly and bounced off towards the gingerbread house-like shape of the Cakes' bakery. Shaking his head in amazement, Spike followed. How had she—oh, of course. Pinkie Pie. Stupid question.

* * *

><p>Spike ate his food slowly, trying to avoid Pinkie Pie's gaze. She was just sitting there, like she'd been ever since they'd taken a seat at the table in Sugarcube Corner's front room. And she was staring. At him. With those eyes. <em>Those horrible, horrible eyes. <em>The ex-dragon had been chewing the same bite of cookie for the past two minutes, growing increasingly nervous under the baker's scrutiny. Was he supposed to swallow? Was he eating the cookie incorrectly?

Spike couldn't remember the last time Pinkie had been this quiet. She was—oh sweet Celestia, she wasn't even smiling. The last time she hadn't been smiling… He had to ask. "Er, Pinkie Pie?"

"Yes, Spikey?" The note of almost clinical detachment in the mare's voice made portions of Spike want to curl into a ball and cry. This was unnatural.

The draco-pegasus finally swallowed the much-masticated bite of cookie and shifted uneasily in his chair. "Could you… Could you stop _looking_ at me?"

Pinkie Pie's brow furrowed for a moment as she considered the request. She shrugged and, without ceremony, turned around to stare fixedly at the wall. "Is this better?"

Despite the pony's back being to Spike, he still felt her gaze on him. Any moment he expected a pair of eyes to rise out of the curly mop of her mane. "…No. You don't need to stare at the wall. Um, look. Can you say something? Anything. It's weird for you not to talk."

"Aww but I was trying to be a good listener!" Pinkie said with a sigh. She swiveled in her chair, leaning forward with her front hooves propped up on the table. "Whatcha want me to say?"

"Just anything, I guess." Waving one hand uncertainly, Spike took another bite of the cookie.

"Well, all right then." Pinkie Pie thought for a moment and took a deep breath. "So today I was talking to Applejack and she said how crazy things have been since Discord got defeated. Has it? I mean it was pretty crazy before—that's just recently before, not much earlier when he hadn't escaped, but I guess the same as really _really_ before when Princess Celestia and Princess Luna hadn't defeated him the first time…"

Letting the torrent of words roll over him, Spike reached for another cookie. Now that Pinkie Pie wasn't staring at him like a bug under one of Twilight's microscopes, the baked goods tasted as amazing as usual—perhaps even more so.

If there was one good thing about Spike's odd new form, it was the startling new vibrancy of some flavors. Before Discord, the best thing about cookies had been the delicate taste of the sodium chloride, the complex carbon compounds, et cetera. Now with a sense of taste that was part pony and part dragon, the draco-pegasus could finally appreciate the amazing balance of chocolate and– wait, what had Pinkie Pie just said? "I'm sorry, Pinkie, could you repeat that?"

"I bet that when she—hmm?" Pinkie Pie's motor mouth screeched to a halt. "Repeat? Well okay. So today I was talking to Applejack and she said how crazy things have been since Discord got defeated. Has it?"

Spike shook his head, hastily trying to head off a rerun of the entire monologue. "No, no, no. I mean the part where you said something about my dreams."

"Oh _that_." As Pinkie shifted mental gears, she took the opportunity to avail herself of one of the cookies. Gesturing with half the baked good—which she was somehow holding in her hoof—and spitting a few crumbs, the mare repeated her earlier words. "I said, 'I sure hope Dashie shows up soon so I can throw you two a big 'Rainbow Dash times two' party! And then you can stop having all these crazy nightmares about how she's going to hurt you or run you out of town or things like that.'"

"How did you—" Spike started. "Oh, right. Pinkie Sense."

Blinking, Pinkie Pie ate the rest of the cookie. And several more. Apparently talking was hungry work. "I don't have a Pinkie Sense for dreams. Not that I remember, anyway. Twilight mentioned it when I went by the library earlier today to deliver some of these cookies since I knew she would be hungry when she woke up from her nap!"

"But I only told Twilight about the sonic rainbomb one," Spike protested. "How do you—you're not listening, are you?"

Pinkie wasn't. Her eyes gazed dreamily off into the middle distance as her imagination got warmed up. "Besides, I know Dashie better than just about anypony. I don't think she'd do something like that."

"Uh, Pinkie?" Spike glanced around, his eyes widening. Was the room starting to grow dark?

The pink mare failed to hear Spike's nervous attempts to catch her attention. The room continued to fade out as Pinkie continued, "If Rainbow Dash was going to be upset with you, Spikey, it would go something like this…"

* * *

><p>Spike rubbed his eyes, trying to clear away the fog. Had he gone into some kind of trance from Pinkie's bizarre story? He couldn't even remember what it had been, now. He vaguely recalled the exuberant pony gesturing wildly and saluting, then jumping to one side to receive the salute almost in the same movement. To say it had been hard to follow would be to make the understatement of the year.<p>

With a yawn, Spike glanced at his surroundings. He was still in Sugarcube Corner's front room, so obviously Pinkie hadn't felt the need to move him after he'd nodded off during her tale. He felt a bit guilty about that…

Green eyes gazed down at the crumbs on the empty platter lying forgotten at the table. Perhaps Spike hadn't nodded off after all. If he'd eaten even half of the treats Pinkie Pie had brought out he'd probably put himself into a cookie-induced coma.

The draco-pegasus stood slowly, carefully pushing his chair back up to the table and trying to clean up as best he could. Despite the cheery sunlight pouring in through the windows of Sugarcube Corner, Spike felt faintly cold. Where was everypony? Usually the Cakes' bakery was bustling at all hours, but in defiance of all expectations nopony seemed to be around.

Frowning, Spike remembered that he hadn't even gotten to ask Pinkie Pie if she had any ideas on where to find Rainbow Dash. He had promises to keep, so he'd better get back to work. The ex-dragon cleared his throat. "Uh, hello? Pinkie Pie?"

After a few beats, the draco-pegasus shrugged and headed for the door. "Anyway, thanks for the cookies but I'd better go. See you later!"

Spike stood for a moment outside the bakery, squinting into the sky. The blue expanse was unmarred by any rainbow trails, scintillating waves of chromatic energy, or anything else that might herald the return of the ex-Element Bearer. The draco-pegasus nodded to himself and trotted out into the street.

The next closest friend was Rarity, but Spike found himself hesitating once again to visit her when there were other ponies to see. Even relayed through a cute little filly like Sweetie Belle, the sophisticated unicorn's words stung. So his transformed body was 'dreadful,' was it? Equine ears drooping, the ex-dragon turned to head to Sweet Apple Acres.

Come to think of it, hadn't Pinkie said something about Twilight waking up and being hungry? Spike sighed. As long as he was in the area, he'd better check on the over-studious unicorn and make sure that she was okay.

Spike nervously eyed the ponies around him as he walked up the street, his back stooped to make himself appear smaller and less threatening. Much to his surprise, the various mares and stallions of the town ignored him. It was almost as though he was the same old Spike they'd grown used to in past year and not the tall, chaos-twisted creature he'd become barely a week ago. The few nods of acknowledgement he got weren't ecstatic cries of greeting, but it was a far cry from the grim, angry stares he'd dreamed up at Fluttershy's cottage. The ex-dragon found himself straightening, walking with slightly more energy than before.

In no time at all, Spike was back at the Books and Branches library. He raised his hand to open the door, but partway through the motion he paused. There was a note pushed into the door jam. Deft claws plucked it free, and the draco-pegasus straightened the crumpled paper.

"'Dear Faker…'" Spike blinked in surprise and started reading again. "'Dear Faker: yeah, that's right. I called you a fake! It's me, the _real_ Rainbow Dash! I challenge you to a—' Whoops!"

A sudden gust of wind blew the paper from Spike's shock-weakened grip. He reached for it, bending forward to grab the note before the rogue breeze blew it away. Sharp claws snagged the edge of the page and the draco-pegasus breathed a sigh of relief.

Behind Spike, something landed with a crash. The sounds of shattering wood filled the air as the library door gave way and the great hollow trunk of the tree swayed with the impact of… something. The former dragon hurried to the scene of the crash and peered in through the remains of the forcibly opened front door.

The letter dropped from suddenly numb claws as Spike stared down at the crumpled form of the mare whose position he'd usurped. Rainbow Dash's hooves kicked weakly as she tried to right herself. A piece of utterly pulverized wood dropped from a dangling hinge and clattered to the floor. He looked at it for a moment. If he'd still been standing in front of the doorway just a moment later, what had happened to the door…

Still silent, Rainbow Dash finally managed to get to her hooves. She shook her head a few times to clear it and scowled up at her replacement, her eyes still spinning slightly from her recent collision with the library door. With a flap of her wings the pegasus took to the air and approached Spike, scratching her chin.

"What was that, Dash? You tried to tackle me!" Spike said accusingly, smoke rising in short puffs from angrily flared nostrils. Cowering in fear of imagined attacks by Rainbow Dash might have been one thing, but now that he was facing the real deal, the new Element of Loyalty found that he didn't intend to go down without a fight.

Rainbow Dash flew sedately, eyes never leaving Spike as she looked the draco-pegasus up and down. Spike shifted from hoof to hoof, trying to estimate the moment when Rainbow would do… whatever it was she intended to do.

Abruptly the grim atmosphere cleared as Rainbow Dash's face broke into a smile. The leering grin was almost more threatening than the previous look of grim determination, but she no longer looked like she was going to try to murder anypony. Her voice seemed almost eager—but worryingly so. "Not bad, 'Spikebow Dash.' But I'm just getting warmed up. Are you mare enough to go the distance with the real thing?"

"'The distance?'" Spike parroted confusedly. What was Rainbow saying? Did she…? Comprehension dawned as he remembered the note. "You're challenging me?"

"Yeah!" shrilled Rainbow Dash. The draco-pegasus grunted as Rainbow jabbed him in the chest with one hoof. "Whitetail Woods in one hour! Be there or be mare, you weirdo jerk!"

Before Spike could respond, the pegasus was out the door. He stared after her. What the hay had that been all about? Forgetting where he was, he belatedly shouted, "No, uh, _you're_ the weirdo!"

"Spiiiiiiike! What's going on down there?" The ex-dragon flinched as Twilight Sparkle's sleep-slurred floated down the stairs.

"N-nothing, Twilight!" Wincing, Spike took in the damage fully for the first time. The library was a mess. Rainbow Dash's unsuccessful attack had knocked a good quarter of the books off the shelves and covered the library in a thin coating of dust—not to mention the shattered remains of the front door. It was going to take _ages_ to clean this up.

"Don't 'nothing, Twilight' me, Spike!" the unicorn snapped groggily as she trotted to the edge of the loft. "I've heard the windows and doors break in this place often enough thanks to… Thanks to…"

Twilight stared down at the wreck of her library. With a nervous cough, Spike grasped for the only thing that would save him now. "Good news, Twilight! I found Rainbow Dash! I—what are you doing? _OhsweetCelestiapleasedon'tkillme!_"

* * *

><p>"I can't believe you thought I was going to do something to hurt you!" Twilight groused, glaring up at Spike as the two of them walked down the road to Whitetail Woods.<p>

"Look, Twilight, I've just had a really bad day, okay? I'm sorry!" Spike groaned. How in blue blazes was it that _he_ was the one apologizing to _Twilight Sparkle?_

The pair's bickering came to a sudden stop as Rainbow Dash's… whatever-it-was… came into view through the edge of the trees. Spike couldn't help but wonder if the pegasus had been missing for all this time because she was too busy building the ridiculous construction laid out before them. Towering cloud shapes, flaming hoops, swinging logs, and fluttering flags seemed to fill every available inch of ground and sky among the oaks, poplars, and other trees at the edge of the woods.

"Okay," Twilight murmured out of one corner of her mouth, "Remember the plan, Spike. You play along while I try to get Rainbow to agree to some tests. We'll have you back to normal in no time!"

"You didn't ask _me_ for permission when you wanted to run tests," the draco-pegasus whined. His gaze swept across the dangerous looking tangle of pipes. Whatever Dash's harebrained scheme was, it didn't look _too_ horrible, at least. This might even be kind of fun. Spike walked forward for a closer look, stepping past the nearest tree. There was a slight click as his hoof touched part of the roots.

A soft hissing sound was all the warning Spike got as a pendulum-like blade scythed through the air, nearly clipping off the end of his muzzle. It swung ponderously back and forth, the sharp metal of its edge glittering in the sunlight. Spike took a step back and whimpered. How was that even possible? "Twilight, I don't like this plan any more. Playing along is a bad plan. Let's go with plan B."

Twilight Sparkle's eyes swung from side to side as she tracked the blade, her voice faint. "Spike, this _is_ plan B…"

A second swinging blade joined the first, arcing down out of the green canopy of the trees above. Spike took another step back, his wings fluttering uncertainly. "Plan C, then! Plan C!"

"So glad you could make it, 'Spikebow Dash!'" Rainbow's reedy voice threaded down through the trees a moment before the mare herself. She swooped down, zooming effortlessly between the swinging crescents of death and hovering before Spike's eyes.

"I'm here," Spike said. "But I think Twilight needs to ask you something first."

Dash nodded, but she obviously wasn't listening. The mare's voice rose as she addressed a crowd of two as if they were a crowd of two thousand. "Fillies and Gentlecolts! Today we meet on the Element of Loyalty Obstacle Course to decide, once and for all, who the _real_ Rainbow Dash is! Spoiler alert, it's me!"

Spike leaned over to mutter in Twilight's ear. "Should we…?"

"Here are the rules!" continued Dash, holding up one hoof as she continued to orbit her tiny audience. "One: If I do it, you have to do it too, or you lose a point. Two: if you leave the course or skip an event, you lose a point. Now, the scorekeeper—"

"Rainbow Dash," interrupted Twilight, "I really need to ask you a few things."

"Hah! Glad you volunteered for that, Twilight. I know you usually make Spike do everything, but that wouldn't be fair in the circumstances since he's a competitor." Rainbow shoved a pencil and clipboard in Twilight's direction and continued talking, oblivious to the unicorn's angry spluttering. "So! Are you ready to have Rainbow Dash Classic kick your sorry flank, New Dash?"

"But I…" Spike exchanged a look with Twilight and grimaced. "Fine. But after this stupid competition, no matter what, Twilight gets to strap you down and run tests on you."

"Don't say it like that!" hissed Twilight.

Rainbow Dash waved a hoof dismissively. "Sure, no problem! After all, the _real_ Dash would do anything for her friends! Not like _somepony_ I could mention."

Spike's eyes narrowed. The pegasus' needling was getting under his skin. Well at least it was for a good cause. And how hard could it be? "I'm ready, Rainbow _Crash_"

"Oh, so you've got a little fight in you now? Good 'cause you're going to need it. The first test is… The Circuit of Doom!" Fire flared in the pegasus' eyes as she grinned confidently. As if on cue, gouts of flame brewed up from pipes throughout the obstacle course, blackening the leaves on a few trees.

* * *

><p>Spike groaned and tried to lift his aching body from where he had collapsed. The ex-dragon could smell the distinctively acrid scent of burned hair. The smell was coming from several scorched patches on his pelt. He'd never been burned before. Then again, he'd never been an <em>ex<em>-dragon before.

The sound of approaching hooves finally gave Spike the motivation to look up. A worried Twilight Sparkle peered down at him, clipboard hovering at the ready. The draco-pegasus tried to smile, but even his mouth ached. He settled instead for an inarticulate, "Wuh?"

"You, uhm…" Twilight bit her lip and consulted the clipboard again, taking refuge in the comforting world of mathematics. She looked back to her battered assistant. "You got a point!"

"Oh. That's good." Spike said.

"A point out of forty." Twilight scribbled on the sheet again. "But as long as you're perfect on all the other events, you can… Well, you can still lose to Rainbow Dash I guess unless she disqualifies herself somehow."

The draco-pegasus lay there for a moment, breathing slowly as he tried to gather the strength to do more than that. "Ugh. How many events have I done again?"

"Just the one." The unicorn paused but her conscientious nature forced her to add, "Well, technically none. You still have to get through the second half of it."

A flutter of wings told Spike that his competitor had returned, no doubt having taken a second lap through the course just to rub it in. He wanted to glare up at her, emerald eyes glittering dangerously, but he just didn't have the energy.

Rainbow Dash sighed. "Sweet mother of Celestia, Spike. I don't think I've ever _seen_ anything like that. Did you even get airborne?"

Twilight nodded optimistically. "He did! For a few seconds, once."

Rolling her eyes, Rainbow Dash orbited Spike. "I don't know what to say, 'Spikebow Dash.' That was truly pitiful. Can you even continue?"

Growling his defiance, the draco-pegasus rolled over and pushed himself up. At least, he did until that simple movement burned up the last reserves of his energy. The world spun around him and Spike fell, landing in a heap at Twilight's hooves.

The two ponies regarded the exhausted ex-dragon for a moment in silence, the only sounds to be heard being the various creaks, clashing, and thumps of Rainbow Dash's obstacle course. Twilight smiled brightly. "Well, that's over with. Time for testing! Right, Rainbow Dash?"

Dash frowned, shaking her head. "…No."

"What? But you promised!" protested the unicorn.

"I said I would let you run tests on me _after_ the competition. But the competition hasn't even started yet! That was pitiful!" Rainbow Dash waved angrily at the nearly deadly obstacle course behind her. "Do you have any idea how long it took me to put this together, even with… with… What's-her-name helping?"

"Scootaloo?" Twilight suggested.

Rainbow Dash shrugged. "Sure, whatever. Anyway, I didn't waste _hours_ of valuable nap time just to kick this faker's sorry flank in anything less than an epic, no-holds-barred fight to the finish! If I'm going to prove myself as the real Rainbow Dash, it's got to be _awesome!_ And I know just how to do it!"

Rough hooves seized Spike, looping under his arms. He moaned, only half aware as he felt himself rise from the ground. Oh look, there was Twilight. She looked so small down there… down. Down there. Down… on the ground which was… moving away? A surge of adrenaline jolted the draco-pegasus back into full consciousness. He looked up to see Rainbow Dash, panting a bit with the effort of carrying her suddenly struggling cargo. He looked back down. The ground was a long, long way away now. "GAH!"

"Don't worry, Spike," said Rainbow Dash. "When I'm done with you, you'll be almost as awesome as me! I'm still going to kick your flank, though."

"Let me go! Let me go!" Spike shrilled, fighting terror as he was dragged further into the sky.

"Oh you want to start learning to fly now? Sweet! That's what I call motivation!" Before Spike could correct the pegasus, her hooves slipped out from under his arms. The ex-dragon hung for a moment… and dropped.

* * *

><p>Spike rolled over and yawned. This bed was amazing! For once in his short time as a flight-capable creature, he didn't feel any uncomfortable pressure on his wings when he lay on his back. Had Twilight gotten him a new mattress?<p>

Whatever the new mattress was, it must have cost Twilight Sparkle quite a few bits. Spike couldn't imagine it not being a best seller. The draco-pegasus wondered if the pony who ran the Quill and Sofa had dropped it off while he was out running his errands. It… wait. 'Drop it off.' Drop. There was something about that that sparked a memory. With his eyes still closed, the ex-dragon thought back to before he'd gone to sleep. He'd dreamed of falling, and—no wait. He hadn't dreamed that at all!

Gasping in shock, Spike glanced around the fluffy white expanse of the cloud layer. He looked to his right and froze, clawed fingers digging into the surface of the cloud. The edge was right next to him and the ground was a long, _long_ way down.

The soft sound of pegasus wings made Spike look up. Any excuse to wrench his eyes away from the horrible, yawning gulf only a short step away. In an instant, the sight of Rainbow Dash approaching him pushed any thoughts of falling right out of the worried ex-dragon's mind.

"Well, well, well, look who finally decided to wake up," snapped Rainbow Dash, glaring down at the draco-pegasus through a dark pair of sunglasses. She hovered over Spike, the light of the afternoon sun glittering off the gold pegasus wing on the front of her round, wide-brimmed brown hat. The entire affair reminded Spike vaguely of some of the Royal Guard training sergeants back at Canterlot.

"Rainbow Dash, what's—" Spike started.

"On your hooves, Trainee! Position of attention, **Move!**" bellowed the pegasus.

Spike scrambled onto his hooves, swaying a bit as he stood up too fast. His body instantly locked into a stiff bipedal stance with his clawed hands clenched at his sides. Though wide with surprise, his eyes stared straight ahead.

Rainbow Dash nodded almost imperceptibly and began to fly lazy loops in front of the silent draco-pegasus. "Welcome to the cloud layer. I am Rainbow Dash, your senior flight instructor. From now on you will speak only when spoken to, and the first and last words out of your filthy sewer will be, 'ma'am.' Do you understand that, you fruit fly?"

"M-ma'am, yes ma'am!" Things were moving far, far too fast for Spike. He let his eyes drift for a moment, but quickly wrenched them back to Dash. It was better than looking down.

Rainbow Dash—Senior Flight Instructor Dash—snorted contemptuously. "Hah, I can't hear you. Sound off like you got a pair!"

Spike tried again. "**Ma'am, yes ma'am!**"

"If you leave my cloud, you filly, if you survive training, you will be an instrument. You will be a minister of rain, praying for lightning!" Flight Instructor Dash paused for a moment to let that sink in. A flick of her wings took her back to the waiting flight trainee until her muzzle was mere inches from his. "But until that day you are _worthless._ You are the lowest form of life in Equestria. You are not even a pegasus bucking pony! You are nothing but an unorganized piece of dragon dung!"

The pegasus went back to her aerial pacing, flying slow laps in front of her one-creature formation. "You will not like me. But the more you hate me, the more you will _learn._ I am hard, but I am fair. There is no bigotry here. I do not look down on filly fanciers, colt cuddlers, sissy unicorns, or dirt ponies, except when I'm flying over them. Here everypony but me is equally worthless. And my intention is to weed out all the non-hackers who do not pack the gear to be the new Rainbow Dash and serve in my beloved Weather Corps. Do you understand that, you winged maggot?"

"**Ma'am, yes ma'am!**" Spike answered, involuntarily glancing down again.

Flight Instructor Dash was between Spike and his view of the ground in a flash. "You look like you want to ask a question, Trainee! What's your name?"

"It's—" Spike quickly corrected himself as the senior flight instructor loomed over him. "Er, ma'am, you already know my name, ma'am!"

"That's right, it's _Trainee Cupcake!_" Dash shouted. "Do you like your name, Trainee Cupcake?"

Spike hesitated. If he ever wanted to get down from this cloud again, he was going to have to learn to fly properly or to get Rainbow Dash to take him. Arguing with her was not likely to help with either unless he wanted another 'learn as you go' flying lesson. "Ma'am, I do, ma'am!"

"Well I'll tell you what you _won't_ like, Trainee Cupcake!" snapped the Senior—and only, as far as Spike could tell—Flight Instructor. "I don't serve emeralds and rubies every day here for lunch! Does that make you sad, Trainee?"

Spike suppressed a moan. It was going to be a long, long day.

* * *

><p>Trainee Cupcake stood at the edge of the cloud layer, looking in askance at the gray puffs that floated in the empty space beyond. He'd been doing well so far—although his shoulders still burned at the thought of all those wing pushups. Now it was time for the basic flight course. But instead of a nice, unthreatening series of fluffy white obstacles, the draco-pegasus could see lightning flickering from storm cloud to storm cloud. He gulped.<p>

"This is the basic flight training course!" Senior Flight Instructor Dash shouted in Trainee Cupcake's ear. The pegasus floated gently out over the edge of the clouds, hovering in front of her victim and grinning evilly. She gestured to the course behind her. "Trainee Cupcake, you will weave between the cloud obstacles from there… to there… to there! You will complete at least one lap before being allowed a break for rest and refit!"

Trainee Cupcake brightened. Rest and refit didn't sound too bad. The flight instructor had been pushing him hard all day, but now all he had to do was finish one lap through the course? "Ma'am! The trainee is ready, ma'am!"

"Then get out there, you griffin's breakfast! Go! **Move move move!**" Circling the trainee, Senior Flight Instructor Dash smacked him in the back. He stumbled forward, reached the edge of the cloud… and stopped.

A gulf of several miles stretched out below the draco-pegasus. He opened his wings, but closed them again when a rogue gust of wind threatened to blow him off his perch at the edge of the clouds. Trainee Cupcake turned. "Ma'am! Trainee Cupcake has a question, ma'am!"

The flight instructor nodded. "One question and then stop stalling, you winged maggot!"

"Ma'am, the trainee requests to know why the flight course uses storm clouds, ma'am!" the draco-pegasus said.

Rather than answering right away, Senior Flight Instructor Dash flitted out to the closest of the clouds. She grabbed it in her forehooves and flew back, stopping when the pillow-sized puff of dark mist was close enough for Trainee Cupcake to reach out and touch. He didn't. Instead, he remained resolutely at the position of attention. It was the only way to be sure. He had to remain perfectly still and silent when not—

Trainee Cupcake yelped when a lightning bolt sizzled past his ear. Senior Flight Instructor Dash cocked a hoof and bucked the cloud a few more times, sending more bolts zipping by the shivering draco-pegasus. The mare roared, "Trainee Cupcake, you are here to become a bucking _weather pony,_ not some kind of frou-frou little short-hop ground flyer!"

More lightning crackled as the flight instructor pounded the storm cloud again and again with each emphatic point. "The princesses have a wingboner for weather ponies, because we can kick any cloud we see! They plays their games, we play ours! To show our appreciation for so much power, we keep the heavens packed with fresh storms! The royal pony sisters were here before the weather corps! So you can give you heart to Luna, but your flank belongs to the corps! Do you understand?"

"Ma'am! So the trainee must be used to flying in storms at all times, ma'am?" Trainee Cupcake hazarded. That was… a mistake. Senior Flight Instructor Dash wheeled on him, eyes blazing.

"What part of 'one question and then stop stalling' did you not understand? **Get out there, now!**" thundered the pegasus, sending one last bolt of lightning zipping by the trainee. He ducked, overbalanced, and started to fall.

Trainee Cupcake's arms flailed as he tumbled over the edge and into empty space. His wings flared and caught the air. A horrified shout turned into an exhilarated whoop as the draco-pegasus found himself hovering instead of plummeting to his doom. He hung in the air for a moment and glanced at his flight instructor. She glared back. "Oh, that's right, Trainee. Don't make any bucking effort to get to end of the bucking flight course. If Celestia would have wanted you there she would have miracled your flank out there by now, wouldn't she?"

Flapping his wings harder than before, Trainee Cupcake darted forward and jinked around the first cloud. His mane rose slightly, sparks crackling at the ends of the hairs as he zipped by. Panting for breath, he reversed his turn and slipped around the second obstacle. He was doing it! Every wing beat gave the draco-pegasus a new personal record. All he had to do was concentrate on the course and not look—down.

Trainee Cupcake's heart froze as he stared at the world below. A small, distracted part of him realized he could see his house from here—and not the one in Ponyville, but the one in Canterlot. With a yelp of fear, the draco-pegasus wrenched his eyes back up. He was just in time to see blue streaks of electricity arcing across the surface of the storm cloud right before he crashed into it.

A massive bolt of lightning shot out of the cloud, transfixing the unlucky ex-dragon and searing the air over Senior Flight Instructor Dash's hat. She tugged off the brown round for a moment and stared at it. Smoke rose from the crown. Snarling, the pegasus rammed the hat back on her head and tore onto the course after her so-called replacement. "What the buck was that, you scumbag?"

Smoke puffed out of Trainee Cupcake's mouth as he tried to respond. He could smell burning tin. He coughed up another puff of smoke. Balancing carefully on the small storm cloud, the draco-pegasus climbed to his hooves and flapped his wings until their movements synched up. Still wheezing, he swayed and tried to focus on the irate ball of rainbow-maned fury that hovered inches away from his muzzle. She seemed to be saying something.

"Are you quitting on me, Cupcake? Well, are you?" the flight instructor shouted.

Trainee Cupcake blinked and nodded. Quitting. An end to pain. That sounded good.

If anything, Senior Flight Instructor Dash seemed more irate than before. "Then quit, you slimy bucking goofy-looking piece of dung! Get the buck out of my airspace! Get the buck down out of my airspace! Now! Move it! Or I'm going to rip your wings off!"

With slow beats of his somewhat singed wings, Trainee Cupcake struggled to get back to the cloud layer. Lightning arced off him as he flew, grounding itself in the clouds as he passed them.

Trainee Cupcake reached the main cloud layer and folded his wings, crashing into it face-first. It felt wonderful. As his consciousness faded, the last thing he heard was Rainbow Dash's shrill and angry shout. "I will motivate you, Trainee Cupcake, if I have to neuter every diamond dog in the Everfree Forest!"

* * *

><p>Spike stared at Pinkie Pie in horror, half-eaten cookie raised halfway to his open mouth. His limbs burned with sympathetic fatigue. A small, intellectual part of his brain knew he'd been frozen like this for the past twenty minutes. The rest of him was simply agog at the tale that the pink party pony had been spinning without end. It was almost a shock that she'd stopped for the moment.<p>

The draco-pegasus cleared his throat, trying to keep his voice steady. "Ma'am! The trainee requests—er, and what happened then, Pinkie?"

Pinkie Pie scarfed down the last of the cookies and shrugged. "Dunno! I haven't thought of that yet! So, what'd you think, Spikey? Better than sonic rainbombs and lynch mobs, right?"

"I'm… I'm not sure." Spike stood up slowly and pushed in his chair. Somehow, his entire body ached just from _hearing_ about the imaginary Weather Corps basic training.

"Are you sure you feel okay, Spike? I've got some cupcakes if you're still hungry," offered Pinkie, eyeing the shaky creature with concern.

Cupcakes? Spike suppressed a shudder at the term. "Ma'am, the trainee does not—I mean, no thanks I've got to… er… I've got to check on Rarity and see if she knows where Rainbow Dash might be! Well see you thanks a lot good talk gottagorightnowbye!"

The bell rang as Spike hurried out the door of Sugarcube Corner and up the street towards the Carousel Boutique. Pinkie looked after him in puzzlement. "Gee, if Spike wanted to know where Rainbow Dash was, why didn't he just ask me?"

Pinkie Pie took the emptied cookie tray and carried it back to the kitchen, spitting it out into the sink. "I mean, I usually know where to find you no matter what. Isn't that right, Dashie? How are the cupcakes?"

Rainbow Dash stiffened. She'd been made. The pegasus sheepishly peeked her head out her hiding place, wiping cupcake crumbs off her muzzle. "H-hey, Pinkie. They're good…"

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN:**__ ARRRGGGGGGHHH why was this chapter so hard to write? Rainbow Dash acting like a massive tool and shouting at Spike using quotes stolen practically word for word from_ Full Metal Jacket?_—it practically writes itself!_

_I actually feel worse than you might think for the delays in this chapter. I had hit upon both the idea of a crazy competition AND 'Flight Instructor Dash' before I had even heard a word of_ May the Best Pet Win_. If I would have hurried up on the stupid thing and finished it before that episode previewed / aired, I would have looked like a prophetic genius. Instead, I didn't finish this chapter until after season two ended. At least I consoled myself by sticking with my original plans and resisting the temptation to add in references to the real episode (quarry eels, 'Radicalness,' et cetera)._

_That's what I get for distracting myself with other story ideas. Heck, that's what I get for publishing before I finish a story. _That's _not going to be a mistake I make again, I can assure you._

_Anyway for anyone still interested / reading this despite the long delays, want to know what the next chapter will be? Well, as you may have guessed, it will be Rarity's chapter._

_Hopefully you will still enjoy chapter six, tentatively titled… _The Love That Dare not Speak Its Name_. Yes, the chapter that was the reason I initially made 'Spikebow Dash' a girl before deciding that was an atrociously bad call. Like I said no more publishing incomplete works for this guy._

…_See you in three months trolololololol._


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